In Time

Navy blue shorts. I told her this would be the last season for them; too short if you ask me but I'm a mom and according to my daughter, LIVE to inconvenience her and cramp her style. A pale yellow tee shirt with mosquitoes on it that read "Bite me" I always laughed at that. It was so fitting for her hint of sassy attitude. A navy blue scrunchy to tie back her long hair with the streaks of blue and pink I had allowed her to do for the summer; choosing not to battle her on this one.  It was only temporary dye.  It would wash out before she had to be back in Catholic school in the fall.

Yes, she would be back in the fall.

It was the only goal to set now that she was missing. She would be back to me before the fall. I looked up and asked God to confirm that... "Right? You wouldn't take her. FOREVER. Right God?"

I had let her go to a friend's house. It was fresh in to spring and the snow had at last melted away leaving the ground smelling sweet and muddy. I had let Patti go to McKennah's house a thousand times. It was a five minute bike ride. How could she go missing in five minutes? There wasn't time.

But the fact was, it only took him a few seconds to pull her from her grey and pink bike that I bought her for her birthday. I had to get it sized to fit me because she was growing so quickly. I wondered if she would surpass me in the fall; when she would surely come back.

She hadn't called to tell me she arrive at McKenna's so I dialed her number to give her a playful reminder of the broken rule but she didn't answer. I shrugged and rolled my eyes thinking about how she could text for hours but turn her phone off for this short ride in order to make sure the battery would last. I grumbled and waited for an hour.  Patti didn't call. I dialed McKenna's house and spoke to her mom. The words "She's not here" punched me in the gut and stole all my air. I hung up and dialed the police.

They came and wrote in little notebooks. I had to spell my name a dozen times. My mind was swirling and cold, slamming against my skull with horrific images and ideas about what was happening to my daughter. My hands and knuckles were frigid, wringing together to stay warm and wanting to hold my little girl. My knees, felt like they were made of hot bubbles and bobbed up and down nervously. I had to tell them a hundred times that she was NOT a runaway, NOT fighting with us, NOT sneaking to a boyfriend's, NOT doing drugs in some back alley ... She was MISSING. And I begged them to stop writing and start looking.

My husband was already out there. He was calling neighbors, checking the parks, the school, the Target; everywhere. I smoothed my hair and tried to breathe. Air wouldn't fill up my lungs so I essentially was panting. I rocked back and forth on the couch cushion; deciding when she got back, we'd need a new sofa. This one was uncomfortable. I watched the front door and listened for the back; expecting her to stroll in and demand a snack. I would have gladly gotten one for her at this point. I shook my phone as if it were shamefully hiding messages from her; calls. The ringer must be broken. Technology! Ha! Then tell me Great and Powerful Oz ~ Who took my baby?

At last they freed me from their endless drivel. I jumped up and grabbed my keys only to be told it would be best if I stayed home. In case. My jaw dropped and my heart shrank back in my chest. WHAT?  I wanted to go out there. I wanted to look for her. I was her mother for Christ's sake. I would be able to find her. These people didn't know her; obviously! I mean, really? Drugs? Runaway? I fidgeted and glanced out the window. Color was draining from the world; my world.

So I did what they said. I waited. I paced. I sat up and I called her phone, sent texts. Nothing. For days. For an eternity. The gaping hole in my soul burned. My heart felt as if it was rotting away;  an old head of lettuce; just wilting. I felt lost without her smile, her laugh. I missed Patti's wet towels draped across the back of my dining room chair. I ached to pick a fight with her so one of us could say "I'm sorry." and hug. Oh my God, a hug. To smell her perfume and feel her arms.  To rub between her shoulders while she stretched like a cat and told me about her day, her problems... I missed those things; longed for them, for her; my daughter, my friend. Panic moved in and never left but it DID invite Exasperation. I didn't eat ~ only nibbled when people absolutely insisted. I stopped sleeping. My phone was charged at all times. I began to prowl the Internet, hound her friends for ANY sign...contact. I went and spoke with their moms, always leaving my cell number so they would have it. They would politely take it again and again, smiling those sickening sympathetic smiles and nodding slowly as if I were speaking gibberish. I pulled away when they reached out to touch my arm; getting CLOSE to tragedy so they could share it behind my back and play that "I know more. We're so close..." game with each other. And I struggled not to box their ears when they all said the same things:

How ARE you?

Any news?

The worst one? We're PRAYING for you.

I stopped at the school to keep track of her assignments just in case. When she came back in the Fall, we would have some work to do.

Summer introduced itself. I slammed the door in it's face and told it we didn't want any.  I wasn't in the mood for swimsuits and picnics. I didn't have any desire to apply sunscreen and in fact was adamant about NOT wearing it. What would happen to me? I might die? I was already in the process if not there.

Silence.

It screamed at me all the time; mocking me coldly that we had done what we could and there was nothing left; even the tears seemed to give up, more of them did no good and would not help Patti.

Daily, I drove the path she was to have taken. I walked it and looked for things; strange cars, slow drivers. I had accidentally memorized most of those license plates along the street and their owners. Everyone knew me and waved ~ gingerly as if I would break apart. The silver Toyota didn't alarm me at first. People had visitors. People even got turned around; got lost sometimes. But this one, this one prowled along like sniffing  for a scent.  It's bumper looked like it had been tied on with kitchen string.The back tail light had been broken out and replaced by red tape. I had always told Patti that if she was in a trunk of a car to kick out the light and stick her arm out, wave like crazy...

"Be smart Patti. Be strong. I'm coming. I swear I'm coming." I said it to each crack in the sidewalk and promised each tree I passed.  The Toyota circled again. I got the plate and headed home, calling my liaison at the station.

"Another strange automobile?" the sigh was tired and slightly irritated.

"Yep. Another one. Any leads today? Tips?" I never stopped sounding hopeful, never stopped asking in spite of the thorn of despair that was slowly killing my soul.

"We have a few. Some more sightings."

"Oh? That's great. shall I call back today?"

"No Mrs.B. We will call you if they pan out."

"Any calls about a punched out tail light?"

"What?"

I felt the spark through the phone.

"I always told Patti to punch out or kick the tail light out and wave or stick her leg out...silly I know..." I heard my voice rise with hope.

"There was one sighting of that near Walley's swamp; a silver..."

My heart jumped to life and began to thump along with the ideas that flooded my cobwebbed numbing brain. "A Toyota? A TOYOTA? Here's the plate Mike. I saw it. I SAW it. Run these please oh God please."

"Mrs. B. I will look at it. I swear I will..."

"Goddammit Mike. Run it. Help me. This is the first time..."

"I know Mrs. B. Stay put. I will run it today. I will call you soon."

"I will wait here. Right here Mike. Please...Patti..."

"I know. I know."

We clicked off and I began to make a race track in the rug around my dining room table.  I began to talk to Patti, scream at her in mind.

"That's it Baby. You did it. I will make it to you in time. Hang on." I at last found a sensible stream of consciousness and flew to the Internet. I scoured my hiking maps and found what I wanted, the swamp. Printing every detail I could zoom in on, I began to plan. The phone rang four times before I answered.

"Plates are stolen."

"I have the description of the car. Which side of the swamp?"

"No Mrs. B you are not to go. I will send a team."

"And I will be part of  it. I hike in there all the time."

"No."

Too quickly, I said okay and hung up. I called to my rock, my husband and told him what had come about.  He was putting together my pack as I changed hurriedly. He met me at the car and we took off. He dropped me at the side of the road near one of the old logging roads; close to where the siting had been. He grabbed my hand and we looked into each other.  He nodded and without words, shouted we loved each other. I almost leaped from the car, my legs in motion and my arms slipping into my pack, my companion.  My pulse throbbed between my ears, I gulped at the wind smacking my face, daring me to come in; come farther in to my daughter's Hell.

"Gladly." I spat, wiped my nose, turned my face away and marched in. The grasses were wet, sucking at my boots from the rains over the last several days. My ankles burned and twisted as I tottered over rocks and trudged along. I wound along the old roads and headed out to the abandoned shacks.  It was where she had to be. I had an idea of one seeming more probable than the others.  It was back on the northeast end and in the hay day of logging, it had been the lodge and central location for a small general store. Having hiked passed it several times, I knew it to be mostly intact, sturdy and remote.  There was an old road that lead to it, but years of neglect had made it un-driveable. It would have been accessed only by hiking.  It took me three hours but I at last found it.  Sneaking up quietly to the outbuilding, I waited and watched.  No signs of life.

I crouched until my hips numbed. Rocking slowly forward to my knees, I peeked around the corner toward the main house. The man I'd seen driving the Toyota emerged and began walking back out to the main road.  I wanted to jump on him and punch him until I shattered his face. I wanted to kill him and leave him rotting for animals and fungus to pull apart his miserable body; disintegrate his flesh and spirit. But first, I had to see if she was in there.  I stood slowly feeling pins and needles in my muscles warning me not too fast.  Behind me came a snap and rustle. My blood froze. My spine felt as it if was disintegrating like a sand castle in the wind. I bunched up my fist and brought it around  in front of me. 

"Helpyou?" It came out as a bark.

I faced thee man I knew had taken my daughter. His hair was thick and greasy falling carelessly into his face.  his eyes were light; piercing. He brought with him a musty old smell.

I laughed sheepishly and stood, putting more distance between us.  "I'm so sorry. I don't mean to be lurking.  I was hiking back down the logging road and got turned around.  I've been wandering for a while and just was hoping someone was home... I could use some help..." I felt my face flush but not like he imagined. It was from unadulterated hate. I wanted to carve him to pieces.

He looked around and chewed on his lip; contemplating.

"Is this your place?" I asked.

"Yeah. Yeah it is. Not much to look at, but it belonged to my parents. I don't get here much so it's ..." he shrugged and stepped closer.

"Eh. Looks okay by me. Gotta phone?" and I turned starting toward the door.

"Hey HEY..." he jogged after me. "Uh No. No phone. No reception out this far."  he had run passed me and now stood between me and the door. "Why don't you come with me and I'll take you out to the main road.  I have a car and can take you back in to town.."

"Well, I hate to be rude," I said reaching around him to the handle "But I was hoping to use your little girls' room. You've surely got one of them..." and I pushed it open.

'Uhhh Yeah, I guess that would be okay. I've uh got to go to work, so I just need you to ummm you know, be quick. Let's be quick, huh?"

He was very close to me.

"Okay. Soooo it's where?" I began to walk around

"Here. No over here...." he jumped as I headed down the hall.

"Oh sure. yeah. thanks."

I went in, took my pack off, spinning around so I held it like a papoose; my bug spray flipping out of the top pocket on to the floor.  I pulled my knife from my belt and sat down.

There was a knock.

"You okay?"

"Oh yeah. Be right out. Sorry."

"I hate to be so pushy. Just need to uh get to work..." he jiggled the handle.

I stood. "Yeah. Hang on."

The door to the bathroom swung open and he barged in.  I began to spray my bug spray into his mouth and eyes. I rushed him with my pack and drove him out, startled and he tripped over an old carpet.  I kept spraying and walking, clutching my knife.  I began to call Patti's name.  The man swatted and sputtered. I could see his eyes swelling shut. I felt my teeth come together and grind. We tumbled back and I landed on top of him with my pack. I shoved it aside and pinned him with my knees. My knife at his throat.  I kept spraying with the other hand. He was gasping, choking and tearing.  I heard him wretch and felt his body heave under me. I punched his face with the can and kept hitting his head I began to shout.

"Where is the girl?"

"WHAT GIRL?" he was yelping.  "You're fuckin CRAZY!"

"PAAAATTI! I yelled and hit him again. I heard the first crunch as his cheek fractured.

"Ain't no GIRL."

"You LIE" and I thumped him again.  Blood ran from his nose.

"She's gone."

I hesitated. "Gone? Gone where?"

"Ran away." he was sobbing and gagging.

I put more weight on his chest and leaned my arm up under his throat.

"LIE" and I twisted his nose.  He shrieked and coughed blood in my face. I was panting spit right back at him. I pushed more weight on his chest and throat not upset at all that his face was purple and his eyes were bulging. The man went weak and stopped moving.  Not dead. Just passed out.

There was a creak in the floor behind me.

"Mom?" it was soft barely a whisper.

I froze and felt the warmth in my chest. Relief and love; things I wasn't sure I'd ever know again. I looked slowly over my shoulder into the dirty face of my daughter.

It was my turn to gasp and choke. Her knees were bruised and her clothes were torn.  Her hair was a filthy mess, sticking out in all sorts of kooky directions. Wicked bed head we would have laughed about on a normal Saturday morning.  I stood on weak knees and reached out; my fingers hungrily wiggling and beckoning her to come to me.

"I made it. I'm here. You are safe."  The distance began to drift closed.  We both were crying. My heart began to flutter, I started to shake.  Patti fell to her knees and rock back and forth calling my name then her voice melted into a steady stream of sobs and mumblings. She cuddled herself.  I knelt gently beside her and covered her with my arms, I held my baby. I took her face in my hands and studied each inch of her tiny frightened features. I looked at the bruises on her ;the ligature marks. I saw the scabs and the fatigue that cloaked her beautiful eyes with dark circles. I smiled up at God, grateful he had given me my daughter back. She would be all right and be back to school just like I said... in the Fall. We would get our life back.

"It's over." I said and kissed the tip of her nose.  I saw her eyes widen and her jaw drop so I clutched her tightly bracing myself.  The screams came from both of us as I felt my own knife rip through my shirt and skin.  The warmth of my blood spilling out on the floor as the man who kidnapped my daughter loomed behind me. I felt his hot breath on my neck and he leaned in, driving the blade up under my ribs calling me a crazy bitch.  I wondered what he was cutting: my lungs, my heart? I gasped, reaching and twisting to pull it out, pushing Patti away.  I hissed for her to run.  She stood and stared in horror. I was clutching my side and rolling toward him, grabbing at him to do anything to slow him down; keep him away. I just kept trying to tell Patti to run. The pain was like an army of bee stings raging between my bones. I felt my strength draining from me.

There was a loud pop and a flash from the front doorway. Then no movement; from anyone. Outside I heard men shouting and heavy feet.  The man who had stabbed me was lying on the floor. I looked up to see my husband pushing passed the officers; rushing to us.  There was shouting and crying.  I heard dogs and sirens wondering how the cars got back there... I heard my breathing wet and rattled.  I felt a burning in my chest as people rushed to help me. My daughter was holding my hand, muttering my name. My husband pushing my hair from my face and begging me to hang on.

"We made it in time." I said, feeling an odd cold creeping in  and numbing the pain.  I saw the people around me begin to break apart like tiny splinters; their voices slipping away down a long cool tunnel. I was so tired.  It felt good to close my eyes.  I felt peace when I relaxed. The pain drained away.  I opened my eyes once more and said  "I love you so much" to my husband and my daughter before I died. I said it just in time.


Didn't see that ending coming, did ya? This one has been a thorn in my side for weeks.  I finally gave up, sat down, and charged through it. I don't even know if it's good. I know it's over. Ha. Sometimes it just has to be done. Well, I hope you enjoyed its twists and turns. Thanks for hanging out with me. It's always fun with you.