My God,
What has happened you ask? Well, I don't have much of an answer for you except; I fell down.  In my life, I really fell down.  These last several weeks have been nothing less than an extended visit to the Seventh Circle of Hell for me.  I have cried and been angry and sent myself spiraling into a depression of mammoth proportions.  I never knew I could feel so awful.  I have never come so close to just giving up ~ giving in. I have hurried to brow beat myself when others took breaths between their own lashings and self-serving criticisms, cruelty and carelessness.  I have shut out people who could help me; too ashamed and and sad to understand the strength it takes to say "I need you"; hesitant to believe that anyone would truly be there... As a few of you know, it has been all too often that I have been left empty handed after attempting that reach.

Change is hard.  Transition is often painful.  I certainly thought I had prepared myself for that.  I was very wrong.  I have officially gotten my arse handed to me and am struggling with what to do next.  I am paralyzed by fear, ignorance, and anger.  I am nearly unable to move forward with simple daily tasks or make even the most minor decisions in what should be an average day.  It isn't that I'm not trying.  It isn't that I'm just whining and playing the dreaded role of "damsel in distress". It is that I AM trying, researching, working, and attempting with everything I've got and it simply isn't enough.  I am uncomfortable and filled with disdain for the feelings of panic, exasperation and desperation required to merely keep my head above water.  And because of that, I am unable to write.  I have nothing to create nor a desire to do so.  I am fighting monsters much worse than those I have ever put to paper.

So with that, I am letting you know that it is going to be a month before I can stand to look at my computer again; before I can sit and reflect; enjoy ... anything.

I will still be around and look forward to emails and chats ~ though less frequent as you've gently pointed out.  I will come back to me; once I find out where I belong; how I will survive this struggle; and ultimately, come back to you; my friends.

Thank you for the warm hugs, the positive vibes and encouragement.

Much love,
Tessa