The Mirror

The silence screamed at her, confirming what she felt; alone.  It hadn't happened overnight but over a lifetime  She had forged and regretfully fought for toxic people and relationships, receiving the mislabels of  being "a pleaser" and weak from those she had mistaken as companions, friends.  For so long, she had tolerated the cutting comments carelessly thrown at her:


"You putting on weight again?" "No wonder you don't feel well. You look bad." and that would be followed by a mean laugh of "I'm just kidding."


"You did what? Ohhhh I did that a long time ago."


"You have what? I have seven. Those are the ones you bought? Hmm look cheap."


Of course, they were only telling her this as her best, truest friends; demanding she turn out her heart, exposing all of her self. She had given until it hurt, until she was empty and a stranger to the girl studying her in the mirror. These frauds foamed at the mouth about caring. She hungrily believed in them, in the make believe friendships that were ultimately what drove her here. She had tried to help,  tried to be supportive and kind. They had only clamored for more; more of her :  more money, more time, more flexibility and now? She was broken, her heart bent and misshapen.  All they did now was point angry fingers and toss self righteous judgement at her. She had become emotional garbage. She had squeaked for help once or twice but had been met with "How could you?" and "Who do you think you are?" The rage against her thumped in her now-hollow heart and shattered her confidence. She had simply been used up. They were gone, leaving her standing bewildered as they whispered about her, spilling all she had confided in them as dirty fodder; "laughable" and "pathetic" were the words she heard; from these, her best and truest friends.


So here she sat crying in front of the mirror wondering who would miss her; someone so bad, so awful. No one, she was deciding, not unless they needed a ride, money, or an emotional punching bag. She knocked the bottle of pills over as she reached to wipe her tears. They scattered nervously across the floor.


"Great. Just another mess I've made." she hiccuped.  She swiped them into her hand and shook them like dice. Her unslept eyes stared blearily back at her. "Weak. Too weak to even do this." she muttered.


Her phone rang.  She blinked through tears and looked at the number. She held it in her hand, her thumb hovered above the button that had been applied to her life: "ignore" . Guilt gnawed at her and she considered picking up but she knew it would only be more of the same. But her hand shook at the possibility of doing to someone what they had done to her; "ignore". Cruel irony.


Sad fatigue crept in and forced her to doze for the first time in days. Their faces circled her and berated her  in foggy dreams.  When she regretfully opened her eyes, it was night. Her belly gurgled as she tried to remember the last meal she had eaten. She sighed and rested her head on her knee.


"What does it matter?" she asked the sad girl across from her in the glass. She traced the shape of her shoe on the floor.


A breeze fluffed the curtains and spun a couple straggling pills. It pushed her bangs back softly hinting of freshly mowed grass and mint. She grinned at the mirror.  A puffy tear streaked face smiled back.


"Pretty smile." she thought.


"More than just that." came a muffled voice. It sounded as if it bubble up through water. She shook her head and studied the face in the mirror. The eyes were brighter. This stranger seemed rested and relaxed.


She reached forward as did her image. The glass was cool and smooth.  Leaning forward to study herself more closely, she saw no more dark circles or dry lips. Pushing gently on her fingertips, she felt a crack under her fingertips. Then, like cool thick water her fingers disappeared into the glass. She felt warmth as her hand felt a touch; caring, soft.


"There is more for you." came the voice again.


"More?"


"More OF you. You can save it."


" Why bother? Who cares?" she choked and glanced down at the floor.


"I do." said her self. The head for the first time tilting in the opposite direction. "They are only what they think of you."


"And what about what I think of me?"


"You control that. As well as how you see yourself. You see ME differently, yet we are the same."


"Is it different where you are?"


"Where do you think that is?"


"There. In Wonderland."


"Ha. You are not Alice and I am not the Rabbit."


"is it the reverse of what is here?"


"What is reverse? Backwards?"


"Opposite?"


"Do you want to see?"


"Yes."


"What if you can not come back?"


"I will not be missed."


The hand took hold and began to guide her through; to the other side.




Something a little different. I will post this in stages. I hope you come along for the ride and enjoy it; bumps and all.  Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate it.