Well I'm getting ready for a vacation as I said before (much MUCH needed). I can't wait to spoil myself a little with some wonderful friends in a foreign place basking in the warm sun. Ahhh life is about to be good. VERY GOOD. But there is always a price to pay. THIS week? I'm running like a maniac both at work and at home. My insomnia is working overtime and I have enough bags under my eyes to go to Europe for a month! I'm so tired I could cry.

Monday, I was waiting on some meds and stuff. Instead of sitting around stewing about all the work I would have to do, I came home to accomplish the bulk of the housework piling up on my "to do" list. I knew Cheech was having the same kind of week, so I thought I'd be a super wife and mow the lawn. I finagled my schedule a little and headed out to our little barn to fire up the tractor. God bless Bess.

This tractor and I have a history; spotty at best. There was the time I was driving it and it broke; not just broke... caught FIRE broke. Ooopsie. Then there was the time the  mice built a home in the engine and it broke. They chewed some belts.. Oopsie.( The mice ran over my foot as I fired it up and I screamed like a banshee having anesthesia-free dental work done but that is beside the point.) We do not meld ... Tractor and I; no not normally. Bad things happen.

But today was not a normal day. I went out and stood at the door to the barn, needing to fiddle with the latch to get in. I had a visitor; a really pissed off yellow jacket. He buzzed me, dive bombed my head and threatened me with nasty hovering. Evil hovering.  Of course I hissed and ran away into our woods; whimpering like a wounded pup. I waited until the tears stopped and came over again. Repeat the above actions... TWICE MORE. Each time I had the latch a little more open so at last, I got in and quickly yanked the door shut. I stood there in the dark, mashing the door as if I was trying to keep out a cavalry. My heart was pounding like I'd just pulled off a jewel heist. I waited, foolishly thinking if I was quiet, they wouldn't build a wall of stingers outside the door to ambush me as I emerged. But I couldn't be certain. No I could not. So I cautiously began to clean off the tractor, not wanting to find any mice. (As much as I am afraid of them, I still wouldn't want to grind one up in the motor) Eww. I sat down and pushed the throttle up. I needed this to work for my escape. I turned the key. Bess grumbled but refused to turn over. Ohhh no. I let go and went again, rubbing her hood and cooing softly.

"Let's go for a drive Gorgeous. Jes you an me. It's a pretty day...."

 THIS time I got a kick and a fart but nothing. I thought I heard the tapping of a zillion poison filled needled backsides at the door as if to  viciously whisper:

"We knoooow you're in therrrrre... We can wait!"

Ahhh Please PLEASE turn over or at least belch enough carbon monoxide to make the slaughter painless. They're coming! I can HEAR THEM! PLEASEpleasepleasepleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaase...

guck-gu-gu-grrrrrr_RRRRRRRR!

YES SWEET VICTORY IS MINE! I LOVE YOU BESS!

I assumed a hunched racing position and slammed Ole Bess into gear. R is for run. ;) I let off the clutch and she jerked awake. I was going to escape. Triumphantly, I burst from the barn backwards and zoomed down the ramp spinning the non-power steering wheel as hard as I could to avoid the tree that sat precariously close to the ramp.
 Bess screeched and whined. "WHAT THE HEEEEEEELLL? I thought we were going for a little riiiiiiiide!?"

GOT IT. I squished the clutch, like steppin on a plum, and smacked it into gear. Not first. Oh no. Not fourth. Forget you Buddy. Sixth. I almost flipped myself off the back of the damn thing! Are ya picturing that?? It makes me giggle even now, me and my metallic bronco; Bess. So I escaped the evil yellow jackets and mowed the lawn. I hummed "I'm Free" just for shiggles.

When all was said and done, I of course had to put Bess back. I looked for an ominous shadowy swarm but there was none. The coast was clear. I chuga-chugged it back to the barn feeling good about what I'd done. Did I mention the ramp? Did I mention that Bess is a little stubborn in the brake department? No? Well I can take that time now.

She stumbled over the ramp, biting some of the foundation as we headed in. She tried to pitch me sideways which would be... bad. The ramp is about two feet off the ground. Then as I coaxed her in, she got rammy and took a little run at the back wall. No big deal except I didn't know her brakes were.... light? airy? failing? So I almost smashed that green lil muthah right out the back side. Picture THAT folks!

You know in the back of your minds that your thinking the same thing: Is that where the bees' nest is? Sure thing it is. sigh. BUT crisis averted. I shut 'er down and waited there in the dark again. Hearing no hateful, venomous carving on the outer door,  I bolted; ran all the way to the house whining softly like a broken fire truck...

"eeeeEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeEEEEEEEE!"

It rained today. You can't even tell how I suffered.

Dammit.

Just a quickie. I had to laugh at myself. I hope you smiled too. Until next time, thanks for coming over. It's nice to have someone to laugh with.