Details

I fell hard and fast for him.  I didn't mean to; in fact, I tried hard NOT to, but it was an epic failure.  Was it his dark curly hair? The way he whistled when he was happy?  The flirtations? Oh Lord I don't even remember now.  I remember how he befriended me.  He cared about what I was doing, saying... I had no choice and had to face facts. I adored him and gave him my heart.  He would call and we would go and we were happy; in love.  I needed that.  I wanted him.  I was enjoying the thought of growing old with him getting to know him.  I wanted to care for him when he needed ~ return the kindheartedness shown to me when I had been so desperately low; on the brink.

But when I look back now, he never asked for my heart.  He asked for my body and my time; more of a friends with benefits motif.  He gave me just enough to keep me believing in him.  I made a mistake. I wanted to be loved so much, I took what was offered and made it fit. I made it out that James loved me.  In my mind, I made him something he wasn't; a good man.

Now it could have been a skewed but doable arrangement.  I was too far gone by then.  I had already compromised my principles for his approval and company.  He was rigid for his pride and selfish wants.  I fooled myself into thinking he'd come around; see that I was good for him, to him and we could make something wonderful together for that long haul.  Then he stepped out of bounds by lying and saying he loved me. It sealed the deal for me.  No one could "love" me like he could and I didn't want anyone else to even attempt it.  I wouldn't hear of it.  My friends tried to help me, warn me... but I was stuck like glue.  Such a shame; a dangerous shame.

So when I saw him with someone else, an acquaintance of mine, it added insult to my injury. How could he do this to me? To us?  but he simply shrugged me off like a pesky mite.  No real explanation; just a high and dry "Have we met?" kind of coldness.  After days of being ignored, and begging foolishly to see him he crushed and embarrassed me with "It's not where my heart is now.  But chin up ~ you'll survive"

Expendable.  My heart, my everything was nothing but expendable.  I dropped away from friends we shared, too upset to be seen.  I certainly didn't want their pity or help..  I had done this to myself.  I had failed; both of us.  My sadness and emptiness consumed me.  I could barely get out of bed.  My body ached and I cried for him. I begged God to bring him back to me so I could love him better.

It was almost three years that God took to answer those prayers, but he did come back.  He'd been through a slew of women; some more than once but he told me he'd always thought of me in the back of his mind.  No one had been kinder to him, loved him better than I had.  Well, my heart soared to hear those words.  I wanted to throw my arms around him and hold him forever.  I wanted to shower him with kisses and make up for lost time.  I was more cautious though.  I kept him at a distance for a while.  He called a lot and pursued me relentlessly.  This wasn't like him so I knew he was genuine; genuine bullshit.  I felt like such a fool to have him do it to me a second time.  I don't even remember who the slut was that he ran off with.  He was gone for six months.  I didn't cry as hard for him this time.  I  did ask God for one more chance.  I wanted to make it right.  And when he came back for the third time; I understood what to do.  It's the charm, right? The third time?

I began by ignoring a lot of his calls, all of his emails and answering very few of his texts.  I was vague and uninterested in making plans with him, feeling no remorse or sadness at breaking dates last minute and taking someone else to where we were supposed to have gone.  Nor did I worry if he saw me with someone else. I mean, this is how things worked, correct?  I needed to be stronger for him; less of a puppy ~ as one of the whores he bedded drunkenly snorted at me when I'd caught him one night at a club where we were supposed to meet but he'd been "too sick" to go out that night... I needed to show him I understood now. I accepted him for who he was...

but this seemed to cause immense dissatisfaction; to the point that he followed me once or twice and confronted me.  Then he began to call ~ all the time and texting? Whew. My phone.... blew up!  the emails were countless.  James even sent gifts to work and stopped by.  It startled me, this change in him. I had to change my phone several times and almost stopped emailing all together. He would leave angry messages demanding I see him.  I agreed but then this nice young man from down the street wanted to take me to a restaurant in town, so I just put James on the back burner.  It wasn't as if he loved me.  right?  Well, he must have followed me that night because he barged right in and caught me ... caught me... SAW me with someone. I didn't realize it was a friend of his. I felt so bad.  Regardless, he flew off the handle, slamming his fist on the table and getting right in to my face and hissing some real cruel words.

After being escorted from the restaurant, he thought about it ( I guess)  maybe he saw what an ass he'd been. So maybe he came to my house to apologize; even though it was late. Yes, it was very late.

I heard the knock.  My house was dark. I got out of bed and headed for the front door.  I called out, but no one answered. I was frightened but I at least had my gun with me.   I began to turn on the lights but I missed the last step in the foyer; so clumsy of me and I knocked over my big lovely  vase with the little gardenias on it. Oh it made SUCH a noise! Broke into a gazillion pieces.  And the next thing I knew, he was smashing in my door.  I was terrified. All I had on was my nightie. I was all alone and it was late.  I was frightened.  He'd been acting so strangely for so long.  I just fired the gun.  He fell down like a doll and laid there on my floor.  

And that's when I called the police.  They came very quickly. What a relief.  Of course I had to show them all the emails and ranting texts he sent.  I played all the angry messages he left.  Of course they don't realize that I sent gifts to me from him; his credit card.  They don't understand that I had several phones I used to get him angry and call him constantly.  They didn't need those little things... details? Here, they are unnecessary. I just made sure more people saw who he really was. It was clear as day when they went to the restaurant and confirmed his erratic behavior.  They have been very kind with me.  Officer Stephenson especially.  I think he's cute.  They aren't planning to file charges against me.  I am relieved about that.  They DID ask how I got blood on me if I was standing at the stairs.  I had to tell them then that I DID go over to him . I told them I tried to save him.  I told them how he'd lifted his eyes, pale and dying and begged me for help.  Asked me to save him.

"It's not where my heart is right now. But I'll keep my chin up Honey and somehow I'll survive".

They don't need to know that... 

Not all details are important.