Monsters

DAY 1
My step-dad is a monster.  A real bad one, so Mom and I had to leave; up and leave in the night like WE were the ones doing all the wrong things.  We are away now though. A clean start she says. But just to be safe, we both go to a nice lady and sit on her "thinking couch".  Mom cries a lot. She's a three tissue grabber.  I just listen and shrug sometimes.  I'm doing like they said; think.  I think about the hitting and the breaking. I think about the screaming and the crying.  I think about silence. I think silence is pretty cool. Some days I think I would like silence all the time.


DAY 24
Dr. Stevens ... Lois. She lets me call her Lois. No adult has ever let me do that. She had a daughter my age too once.  She was like us once.  But she picked herself up and now she helps other moms and daughters do the same.  Mom and I have a new little house thanks to her.  We have separate rooms and even are learning to stay in them at night.  Well, no more monsters come to chase us together. Its strange to go to bed and wake up there.  I'm used to waking up in a hospital or stuffed in the box in the closet with my punishment dress.  I used to tell myself that it was just time to play Cinderella. I wonder if Cinderella ever got hit with the broom she used until the black stars came and let her sleep.  Those pages must've been torn out. Ya think? At least I learned there is safety in silence; kinda like no news is good news? 

DAY 60
Lois says I should make this journal and read it to her or let her read it since I have trouble verbalizing. Verbalizing... I just don't want to talk about it.  If we are starting over then it is without Glenn. Why would I want to talk about him two days a week? I'd be pullin out more than three tissues I can tell ya that.  He was .. a dick. I know I'm not supposed to use words like that, but Lois says she won't tell. She tells me that she knows I've heard words like that and for my "tender age" (haha tender... nothing in my life has been tender) of twelve I have seen and known too much heartache.  She's like a friend... but older.  Sometimes she even seems to know what I'm thinking or feeling.  She must be pretty damn smart. I bet she was a great mom.

DAY125
So Lois and I make our own appointments now.  Mom still goes and tells me she is down to two tissues so that means progress.  Once she didn't use any.  Nice.  Lois is great.  She lets me say whatever I am feeling and some days that is pretty fuckin harsh. (sorry Lois... I will highlight the bad stuff so you can skim it-:)   ) I have a lot of complex feelings to sort out. (As you know.)  I never thought about being angry with my mom for letting it all happen.  I guess, Lois, I did at some point.  Maybe you're right and it's why I can't cry yet.  I know that bothers her. You. I know it bothers you Lois.  I know you wish I spoke to you more.  I'm trying.  Just please be patient.  I think we should keep things like they are.  I like my school  I like the friends I am making because they don't know.  Don't HAVE to know.  I sleep well most nights but sometimes I hear things in the house.  I suppose you are right and it's my imagination inserting Glenn back into my life.  I guess it's true that things are good and when they are good, I am used to it going very very bad so I am recreating those feelings.  Maybe you're right Lois. Or maybe our house is haunted. I should look it up. What will we do if it is? Do you like ghosts? That would be a topic I could talk about a lot. ;) -hint hint?

DAY 175
I am happy today Lois as you are very aware.  You trusted me like you have asked me to trust you.  You showed me pictures of your lovely but lost daughter.  I am sad for your broken heart. How did she die? What was she like? I wish I could take that pain away from you like you have so kindly done for me.  She was a beautiful girl.  Bad things happen to good people; just like you say. And I believe you. You will see her again.  You deserve that. Good things can happen too Lois. I know this because I have you. My mom has you.  We have a new and better life: regular paychecks, bills that are paid. We even got to shop for food AND clothes and not have to hide them, feel bad for buying them OR be punished. Aside from our ghost, I am improving.  We can talk about that later.

DAY 224
I am a little sad today.  I am not sleeping well.  There IS a ghost in the house Lois.  Even Mom agrees.  We hear the footsteps and see the doors open, like it's checking things out.  At first I thought Glenn had been so sorry for all he'd done that he killed himself and was stuck haunting us until we forgave him.  Crazy shit right? I don't think that anymore.  I think it's a kid and is lonely and just wants to get to know us.  I know that the house we lived in sat empty for a long time.  Is that how you got us such a good deal ? If it is, I think it's still cool.  Mom and I are okay and our "guest" isn't so bad. Just a little rowdy at night.  I may have to take those meds you wrote for. I don't want to but I have to get some damn sleep. The library had to find the archives and said it will take some time.  They are sending the papers to me. 

DAY 280
I met our ghost, Lois. She came in to my room and she sat on my bed.  I can't see her clearly;  she looks like a cloud and smells like wet flowers; a little sweet but a little musty.  Her name is Diana.  She wants to be my friend and says that she has waited a long time for someone like me. She says she has been very sad and lonely for a long time. I know it sounds strange and I KNOW we will "delve into this a great lengths" as you always say.  She means no harm Lois.  Mom and I even talk to her during the day.  We kind of hope that she will adjust to OUR time clocks.  These all-nighters are a bitch. I'm beat tired at school.  My friends are worried for me but I know I can handle it.  I know you'll help me.  And thanks for making that sweater.  "Girl Power"? That's a little babyish for me (Powder Puff girls are waaaaay out) but I will still wear it ... on weekends or maybe to our appointments. I laid it out for Diana to see.  Mom is talking about a new guy at work.  Did she tell you that? I'm sure she did.  She tells you everything just like me.  Do you have her keep a journal? I haven't seen one and she hasn't mentioned it.  I had to take one of the pills you wrote for.  I don't know that I will do it again.  They make me feel like I'm on a roller coaster but with no seat belt. I had a strange dream: Diana came and we went outside. There were candles and we sat and held hands.  Then she told me she had a secret to share with me but couldn't yet because I wasn't old enough.  I was mad at her and ran away.  Then a huge wolf or a monster or something was chasing me but it still sorta looked like Diana.  Mom says I have to stop watching scary movies at night. But I swear I wasn't.  it was that stupid medicine.  I know you say I just have to get used to them and let them work instead of fighting them... but ... I dunno Lois. I dunno.

DAY 364
My birthday! You remembered.  Thank you Lois.  Thank you for all you've been:  a mother to me, a great friend and help to my now "no tissue" mom.  Is she still bringing you boxes? I see her buy them and imagine they are for you. The dress is nice; a little old fashioned but lovely.  I think you are right and we should go out and celebrate a whole year of success.   Mom will bring Marc of course.  He seems to be okay.  He hangs back and I think the whole situation with Glenn keeps him at a distance. It's fine by me. I know you say I will one day let my walls down, but not just yet.  Mom even makes sure he doesn't "spend the night" I think they are knockin boots but I can't see the evidence or hear any "misbehavin".  Maybe he's taking it slow for mom's sake.  He never stays.  There is nothing of his in the house.  It's still ours. Ours and Diana's.  She is fine. ( i know you will ask)  She has been very excited about my birthday too.  She says it's almost time to share her big secret.  I am excited and nervous.  I will tell you when I find out.  She says Thursday night. Our appointment isn't until Tuesday so you will have to be in suspense a little longer than me.  Sorry. :(  The meds help me sleep but mom says I am wandering around.  She has caught mud on my sheets and my clothes have been messed up a couple of times.  It makes me wonder about my dreams; I am always running around outside.  Diana starts out nice but then something always goes wrong and I get this crazy-ass fear.. terror.  Maybe, Lois, we need to delve.  There are some other things I want to know too. But I guess I will have to ask on Thursday before my big surprise.  Anyway Wednesday will be a Happy Birthday. Thank you.

DAY 366
Dear Lois,
I am furious. You are a manipulative bitch.  Did you think I wouldn't find out? Did you think I couldn't put it all together? You are sick.  I began to ask Diana about her life. I have been for a while- just not writing it here or telling you. Thank God.  Then I began to study her facts. When the library archives came in, I almost pissed my pants.  Diana is your daughter.  She died in this house Lois.  You used me as a substitute and a connection all at the same time.  She laughed when I showed her your sweater; telling me she had loved them as a child.  I thought it odd.  I began to "delve". Those meds? Wow Nice touch.  You even waited outside my house didn't you?   The night of mud.  YOU chased me.  I won't be seeing you anymore.  When I tell her,  Mom and I are both going to file a complaint.  We will bust this wide open and you will go to jail. Or to Hell.  Either spot is good for someone... something like you. Diana has much to answer for as well.  Mom and I will leave here. We have been through worse. You will not use us anymore.
Goodbye Lois.

DAY ONE
Dear Mother. 
Forgive my scrawl. It has been so long since I have held a pencil in hand. Of course I will turn this journal over to you and you can destroy it.  I just wanted to say hi and thank you; for the dress, for the sweater.  When you and her mother brought her home she was just weak enough for me to take over; just as we have planned all this time.  You were right.  It just took patience.  She has other diaries that I will read with my new bright eyes so I can learn her friends and her life.  Her mother is wrapped up in... Marc? He was a nice touch. A great distraction to let me draw closer and you too.  When will you reclaim him? That will surely send her over the edge.  We won't be able to wait too long.  Her suicide must come quickly or they will suspect.  I see the pills are here and some are missing. She was taking them. The mother will be filled with grief. she won't be able to go on.  Not like you. She isn't nearly as strong; as you, as us.  Then of course you can keep me as your ward like we discussed. It all works. Wonderful job Mother. I love you and can't wait to hug you after all this time. Light the candles. I'm coming home.

Love, 
Diana


It's a little rushed but I really liked the concept here. I liked the conversion though I think it could have been fleshed out a little; a little more in depth.  I wanted to keep it vague enough to cause a furrowed brow in the reader. I hope you didn't TOTALLY see it coming. :) Thanks for stopping by to visit. I hope to see you soon.