Tall Enough

I remember when the kids felt like giants because they could touch the top of the kitchen table; or when we had to raise the chain on the swing outside because they were too big.

My toddler Winston had not experienced such a phenomenon. Not until today. Well, not today specifically; you see, it began on the porch at Promises with a chipmunk. I am not a big fan of the little farts.  They are cute yes, they chirp and have been cartoon-ized but the fact is those little monsters tend to destroy my flowerbeds and garden soooo I'm not a fan. Nope.  Anyway, it seemed that Chip or Dale wanted something desperately from inside the wood pile that sits on our porch.  There is a bigger wood pile out along the edge of the property but for some reason, THIS was where all the action needed to be. So said varmint ran up the rail, along the porch and stopped.  Just long enough for Winston who was snoozing peacefully in his lawn chair (yes he has one. It's a little kiddie one, but it keeps him off the laps of the unwanting and outta my hair if you catch my drift. All the little pig wants is his own chair. It seems such a small sacrifice but I digress...) until Dale (there I picked one. We'll call him Dale) chirped. That was it.  Pride seems to be the second most powerful driving force inside my porky toddler taking a backseat only to "hunger" and it goes in quotes because Winston imagines himself "hungry" at all times. ALL times. Well he jumped out of his chair, half slid half ran to the wood and began to attack it.  Literally.  He bit the wood and barked and the deck.  He scratched, snarled and even stood on two feet to "tightrope walk" along the BACK of the woodpile so he could reach the horrified rodent.  This went on for ninety minutes.  Is there footage? Oh yes but it doesn't do it justice and besides, I don't want my laugh to be the only thing you hear.  I couldn't stop.  I know. Bad Mommie. Well maybe what went on later was my Karma punishment.  Anyway, no jumping ahead. I let him go and bark and attach the wood until he began to get hoarse and I was afraid he was going to lose another tooth (you all remember how the FIRST one came out right? Biting my vacuum? Well ambushing it but that is an old one) or rip out his nails in addition to the fact that I wasn't excited about cleaning up all the splinters, bark and mess he was creating.

So I opened the cookie jar.  That was all it took and ZOOM he was inside licking his chops and wagging his tale at the speed of snacks.  Chip-what? Who is in the woodpile? Uhhhh Mom? Cookies.  Yeah. We don't worry about the porch now. We worry about the jar. The COOKIE jarrrr keep getting it out Mommie. Yeahhh baby. Coooooookies......

And Dale escaped with his life.

Winston slept and snored, drooled and dreamt of chasing, catching and by the lip smacking ~ eating of Dale.

We packed up and went home dreams unfulfilled at some level but realities were kept happy. Cookies.

The weekend ended and life began again; work for all and busy days lined up.  When I got home, I let the toddlers out of jail to water and fertilize various spots in my yard.  I looked at the clock and realized I was running late to pick up my daughter from work. SHOOT! So instead of putting them back in jail, I shook my finger, told them to be good and dashed out.

I know. What did I REALLY expect?  "Mommie is going out  ~  YEEEEESS!!"

I am convinced that Birdie put him up to it. "Just come over here and let's push the chair  up to the counter, get what we need and no one will know. "

Winston: "Really?"

Birdie: "Really. That easy to get a snack.  You wanna eat?"

Winston: "Uhhh YEAH! Now WHAT do I do?"

and history was barked out.  The chair was moved just enough to allow a small adventurous and apparently STARVING piglet to jump on the chair, get up on the counter and provide access to all produce: tomatoes, lemons, limes, apples,  and pears.  All of these are fair game for my little pork mouth baby who sampled it all, decided that tomatoes are the BEST and devoured the entire bunch.

I returned with my daughter. I walked right passed the carnage.  Birdie was jumping furiously and chuffing. A certain signal that she is telling on her brother.  He is nowhere to be found.

"What? WHAT?"

She begins to run and hit the chair with her paws.  I look and see .... bites, scraps, torn produce bags, tomato juice and seeds.  The trail drags along my tile like a blood trail in a crime scene. I Agatha Christied up and began sleuthing.  He was not hard to find.  The perpetrators trails ran up the stairs, down the hall to my room where he had obviously mangled at least one tomato on the carpet, taken the carrion up on to my bed and polished it off on my pillow and THEN the creme de la creme. He took a gigantic produce/fiber induced mega-doo. In the bathroom. As close to the bowl as physically possible. ARE YOU MOTHERFIRETRUCKING KIDDING ME WINSTON??????

He bowed his head and sighed "I know Mommie. I KNOW!"

I pointed a furious finger at him and scolded him while having "circle time" If you know me, you know this gesture as close to flipping the bird as I get.  It means I'm gonna clean your clock if you don't remove yourself from my perimeter immediately.

He got up and put himself in jail and sadly moped from behind bars.  I heard a long depressed sigh escape him and in puppy ESP he sent me a message:

"I tried Mommie. I'm just not tall enough. I know where the poopie goes...."

Too bad. Too late. Bubbah, you're in the doghouse until morning.

The moon quietly visited and when the sun jump started our day, all were released from their cells to play in the yard.  It was nice and fun. I came back in and opened the cookie jar. Both toddlers raced in and sat, fidgeting and snorting excitedly.  I stood back and permitted them to get their own.  Winston sat back down and waited.  I nodded and let him go... again... no snack.  I looked and felt like the worst Mommie in the world.  The cookie level in the jar was critically low and with his smooshed face....

he wasn't tall enough.

Poooooor Piglet.

;)


I know, I hear that it's been too long since I've divulged some of the sordid details in my life. So this is all I have for you today. I sure hope you smiled just a little. Thanks coming over to see me. I like our time together no matter how short.  Until next time, be good to yourself.