Wisest heart most broken

It happens to us all. Our hearts get broken.  There is a song "The first cut is the deepest." My daughter has just recently discovered that. And in a new sense, so am I.  I never knew the pain I could feel for that which wasn't mine.  


She came in to the room with teary eyes, drippy nose and a pinched frown. I was working on some things and looked up surprised she wasn't in bed.  At first I was angry. Then I realized, felt, saw...all of those things that something in my daughter's world was horribly wrong.


"Hebrokeupwithme" came out in a harried sob.


I only knew to throw open my arms and try to catch her, but she had already fallen.  I wrapped around her, knowing that my protection was all too late.  I felt the shaking cries as she nuzzled my sweater.  The tears that stung my own eyes were for her. They were for remembering this awful pain.


"I'm sorry Bunny. So very sorry."


"Why?" 


"Because you hurt." I said softly and wiped her tears.  More rushed in to take the place.


"Why did he leave?"


I knew why. We had been talking for a couple of weeks about the changes in their relationship.  Most of them were signal that the end was near. 


"Why did he do it like this?" she whimpered holding me tightly again.  Good Lord she's strong.


I didn't want to bash him. That would only hurt her more.  Actually I did. I wanted to call him every name in the book.  I wanted to ground him into pulp for being a number one royal motherfiretrucker to my daughter.


"I don't know Baby." I said rubbing her shoulders.  she sat for a while hugging Winston (who is the best tool for this kind of job. He's such a limp rag..) I looked at her sad eyes, bright with sorrow and her pouty little mouth and red tipped nose.  Boy he was the KING of jackasses at this moment.


"Sweetie..." I began slowly.


"Mom, please don't say it. I just don't want to hear it right now."


"Say what?"
"I told you so.""
I smiled gently. "No doll. I don't say those words. They are nothing but hurtful. I'll say that you are beautiful. Even now with your sad eyes and crazy hair.  I'll say I love you and so do the friends who will call and text and come to see you.  I'll say it will be okay and that he is an ass but you don't believe me right now."


She shook her head. "No."


"You don't believe me?"


"No. He wasn't just an ass Momma, he was a dick. A BIG DICK."


I almost fell out of my chair laughing. "Madeline GRACE! Those WORDS!!!"


"Momma, he is. He was and I'm telling the truth."  A new flood of tears came. "but....I... I... "


I hugged her again.  "I know Honey. You can't make someone love you back."


"Did you ever have someone not love you back?"


"Oh yes. And I cried just as hard as you are now."  My own heart winced with an ache of a memory.


"What happened Momma?  How did you ever love again?"


I sighed and searched the room for wisdom; assistance.  All four corners were empty.....


"Well ..." I stumbled over my recollection; I had laid awake at nights begging God to bring him back to me, to let me have just this one person in my life. I had cried swearing I would never foolishly open my heart because I didn't think I could survive the pain of losing my heart like that EVER again.


"I called him a big dick and called my friends.  Then THEY called him that and we called each other every day to call him that AGAIN.  I even began to laugh about it. Silly, huh?"


"MOMMA!" but I felt her face crinkle.


"It's not okay right now. It might not be okay tomorrow... but each day is new and each day will be one step farther away from this awful moment.  It's your getaway Honey, make the most of it. It's late Baby.  Can you sleep?"


"No.  But can I do something?"


I hesitated.


"Can I call Jax?" (her best friend and my "fake daughter")


"It's late..."


She nodded.


"Not too long ... and tell me what she says."


"I already know."she said smiling shakily "..and it sounds like dink."


I left her crying on the shoulder of my fake daughter. I found myself a little jealous of her need for someone else but I let go.  It was almost eleven when she came back in and laid down beside me.  


"And?" 


"She concurs." 


We giggled.  "Maddie, he's the first toad on the way to your prince."


"but what if he doesn't recognize me?"


"He will because you will be his princess. Always."


"Like Daddy?"


I smiled.


She yawned and kissed my head. "I'm going to go to bed."


"Sleep Doll baby. Well." I sighed with the weight of her world painfully tucked in my ribs and this boy's demise rolling around in my crazed, angry mother's mind. A shovel. I would need a shovel....


"Maybe not tonight Momma, but tomorrow is new; and maybe better."


"Then I wish you new."


"I love you Momma."


"I love you too Baby Girl." the tears were warm with regret. She had learned one of life's worse lessons.  I didn't have the heart to tell her it wasn't the last time we would do this.  I will need many more shovels.




Maybe I shouldn't have posted this. Maybe it is too private. maybe I hurt for my daughter and I just wanted someone to hear me.  I hate my job at this moment; to stand by so helplessly...


Better days my friends. Better days and stronger hearts.