All you have to do is....

He was a prick.  I don't know what else to say.  I hated him; loathed him.  He made me sick.  What the Hell was I thinking when I married him?  Was I high or something? What would make me say these things? Well YOU try sitting across from a man who is convinced he knows all, has the best solution to every problem while feeling SO put upon to have to convey these "common sense" strategies to those of us who are... less.  My God, I never knew anyone could be so full of themselves. His criticism over every thing and everyone scratched and dug at my brain day and night.  Daniel was beyond critical and judgmental.  And it always started with the phrase...

"All you have to do is..."

Sure it sounds harmless enough, but in Pavlovian-style, I "learned"  that when I heard that phrase, I was about to be corrected, belittled and denounced. Unfortunately, it wasn't just me, I mean when our neighbor, Steve, he's an exterminator, sweet guys really, well, he needed some help getting his daughter Kayla to the same soccer game as our Natalie because he had to take his boy Jon to the doctor's office.  Steve's wife, Marla, recently left to be with someone else and he was pretty shaken and shocked.  Instead of just taking their daughter, smiling and saying "sure, no problem" ... and you should sit down for this, DANIEL's  response was:

Sure, but all you had to do was be a better husband and you wouldn't be lagging behind as a dad right now.

Need me to say it again? Close your mouth.  The disdain is already leaking out. Oh, let me reassure you that I was beYOND embarrassed.  Mortified? Doesn't even come close!  I scooped up Kayla, and told Steve not to worry about a thing.  I took her to practice, brought her home and fed her dinner and then made sure her lessons were done.  But Daniel? He never lifted a finger.  For all his talk, he was lame when it came to the "walkin" part.

Then there was the time Steve treated himself to his first new car.  It was a sexy little ride and my husband had to be part of it; told him right off the bat what it was lacking in torque (what the hell is that anyway?!), power, safety... Really made our friend feel like a boob.  But he still wanted to take it for a spin.  Steve was a sweetheart and tossed him the keys.  I guess it just rolled off his back, the way Daniel spoke to him.  Wish I could be that strong.  Well, when the car was returned there was a nip in it where my husband had clinked a cart corral while running an errand.  Steve asked him about it and the reply?

All you have to do is touch it up.  In a month you'll have done more damage than this, I mean look at your house, your yard... This? This is NOTHING compared to what someone like YOU will do.

And he stalked off without even offering to pay for it.

I made sure Steve gave me the bill and that I paid him for it to be fixed.  I know you can't believe it but it's true.

Oh and then there was Todd at work.  Oh good God!  He had JUST lost his partner to a battle with cancer and he was struggling to make payments and get things in order.  Imagine just trying to adjust to being alone after so many years...almost twenty I think.  Well my know-better husband had him in for a performance interview and had the audacity to not give a raise and in fact gave Todd a warning about his progress.

"All you have to do is focus.  You have all this free time now so you can better use it by improving yourself, your work ethic and performance.  There might be hope for you yet."

Then, to add insult to injury, when Todd's mother needed help, he was a loving son and took her in to take care of her, his work hours at the factory were cut because he was deemed unreliable and lacking in dedication.  A man who didn't really know how to roll up his sleeves and work hard.

With our kids? If the grade was a "B", why not an "A"? All you have to do....  If it was an "A", why not higher? All you have to do is...

So that was how our lives went.  It wasn't too long after Todd left the company that I noticed Daniel was slower getting out of bed.  He began to cough and there were a couple of seizures.  I asked him to go to the doctor to be checked out.

"All I have to do is..." and I quit listening or suggesting.  He knew he could do better than those quacks with their co-pays and unnecessary tests.  I knew I should have just kept my mouth shut.  What's the use with a man like that?  But he got worse.  He lost weight, becoming so very pail and fatigued.  I tried again; even had Steve say something but he blew us off and picked up the herbal supplements.  When the blood showed up in his urine he said it was a kidney stone and stopped eating or drinking calcium. When he coughed pink in the sink, he said it was lingering congestion, took some more Musinex and stayed in the shower longer. His breathing became labored. He became a shadow of the man he was.

Finally, he succumbed to the poison.  Steve told me it would take a little while.  Fipronil takes time.  But he kissed me sweetly and told me to be patient.  The time would come. When it did, the kids put the pillow over his face that night.  I was going to do it but they each wanted a crack at him.  Todd?  Well, he didn't want any part of it but just sent me a real nice "Thank you" note.

All I had to do was wait.

Please feel free to come to his services.  There will be a whale of a party afterward.