No Yolking Matter

I pride myself on being a culinary adventurer; both in creation and consumption.  I will cook and sample almost everything, turning shyly away from things that Andrew Zimmern SWEARS are the bomb.  But I do not consider myself weak for turning away from food that looks at me; in a literal sense or smell like something I would flush. We all have limits. And I ... I met mine. I looked at it, smelled it, watched it take shape and yes, I consumed it.  All the while Cheech laughed until he lost air and cried.  Let me now relate it to you since I have only recently stopped rinsing my mouth and hovering over the sink with my jaw triple extended and a burping, gurgling sound escaping from between my frightened, trembling lips.

This experiment, for me was and epic failure.  My husband, greatest love and best friend is to blame and thinks I don't know that he is still snickering over it.  It involves the one ingredient I detest and creates an instant short-out in my gag reflex at the mere mention of it; eggs.  (warlp~ excuse me I cannot control it) I am exasperated by the insistence of those "culinary geniuses" that if you dump, heap, goop and slide one of those abominations on top of ANYTHING, it instantly becomes "Gourmet" .. (and I am twirling an imaginary handlebar mustache with my eyebrow raised and a thick fake "accent Francaise" for emphasis ~ I mean let's get into the mood here....) But I contest those actions by saying "No! You have just made it a dirty breakfast food and it ISN'T for this champion.

Cured Yolks.  There.  It's out there like some tawdry, slutty secret.  They were dried in a sugar/salt mixture until they acquired a consistency of wet, sweaty cheese.  (warlp!~ sorry... it's just my reaction...) Then. THEN they are dried to create a firmness in an oven set at a balmy 150 degrees.  But guess what?  MY oven doesn't go that low so you know what you have to do?  I'll tell you... let me just guzzle some more Listerine.  We got to let them sit in there.  In my oven FOR TWO DAYS.  So for forty-eight grueling hours, those evil, semi-solid wads of yellow disgust and SUPER source of mental distress hid in my sacred oven.  They giggled and taunted me; oh you'd better believe it.  I walked by my once happy stove and I would rat tail it, glare and hiss awful things to it.  I would crack the door and tell them I hated them.  They were gross and I hoped they were happy in their attempt at my family's destruction.  Upon completion of this nightmare emerged waxy yolks that were to be grated delicately onto a freshly made caesar salad instead of parm.. Hmmm let me get this straight:

Knock knock
Who's there
Parm
Parm who?
STOP THE LIE AND PUT PARM ON THE DAMN SALAD YOU EVIL, VILE KITCHEN MONKEY!!!!!
(warlp!)

And so wine was poured.  I drank deeply.  Poured again.  Stared at the beautiful meal coming together before me and watched in horror as this abomination delicately laced my plate. I drank again and glared.  I placed the tool of choice in my hand; an ordinary salad fork and prayed that my sceptor would slay this awful dragon.  I drank again and scooped.  My hand trembled, the villain shook with laughter and dared me to cast it aside and admit defeat; weakness.  I huffed a huge "eff-you" swiped up my glass in my other hand and closed my eyes so as not to witness the carnage about to unfold upon my palate.  My teeth came together and recognized instantly what had gone wrong with this "Gourmet salad".  My stomach began to groan and protest. I swallowed but found my esophagus stubborn and defiant.  (warlp!)  I chased it. with water and wine.  I gripped the table and winced as the fire burned and my body shrieked "Why? Why have you forsaken us? We love you. We take CARE of you! You evil vixen! May you suffer all night with trecherous gas pains and toots unspeakable."

I opened my eyes and quickly blinked back the tears (warlp!) I drank again, refusing to chew any more but deciding the only viable escape was to swallow this torture like a bitter pill.

"Not bad." I whispered and prayed that it was enough.

And hello to you too stranger! I am so sorry to have been away so long.  I have been really struggling with one and I decided to take a break from it and share a quick family update.  I hope you smiled and laughed a bit.  We all need to do that once in a while.  I hope to hammer through my current nemesis and see you again soon.  Thank you for coming by for a bit.  You're so much fun to have around.