The Corner (Chapter 3)

She got up and put on her clothes.  Even though it was Dress-up day, she chose pants and sneakers instead of her boots.  They made a loud "thuck" when she walked now because the glue didn't always hold and one buckle was missing but she still felt a little beautiful in them.  Her mom hadn't said a word.  Her hair was braided off to one side and a lovely pink balloon barrette slipped in elegantly.  She grinned and her heart skipped a little.  Her mom lifted her chin and wiped at a scratch along her cheek.

"I tell ya kiddo... you are certainly tumble dry.  Always scratched up..."  The little girl's smile faded just a wee bit.  "Did the tooth fairy give you money anyway?"

She nodded quickly. "Oh yes, she didn't even care that I didn't have my teeth"  She'd told her mom that she lost them on the playground ~ David had actually mashed her face into the dirt one day and her loose teeth had introduced themselves to a rock and some mud.  He'd been giving her a swirlie and when he'd pulled her head away, there they were like two shiny seashells on a dark beach.

"Well why don't you grab your jacket.  I sewed that tear."

Her daughter smiled wanly at the jacket and pulled a sweatshirt over her head.  No hood. She picked up her bag and stood at the door.  Her mom swiped at her chin and booped her nose. The little girl acted displeased and juked.  Mommy's phone beeped so she reached for it.  There was a smack at the door as David cupped his hands on the glass and peered down at her.  She backed away and wanted to run.  He grinned and bent his index finger in the "come here" way.  She felt her belly tighten and she shook her head.

"All righty, then all set."  Mommy opened the door and all but shoved her daughter into the hands of the Devil himself.  Her knees were wobbly and weak.  He roughly grabbed her hand and squeezed so hard her knuckles ground together.  Tears welled up.  Not even of the PORCH yet...

"Bye!" he smiled and pulled at his little victim.  They walked silently to the corner and he yanked her arm toward the path.  "This is it." she thought glumly.  She leaned away pulling him like a puppy on a lead but he yanked at her again. She lost her balance and almost fell.  "DON'T" he hissed half dragging her into the woods.

She listened and looked around trying to remember each tree and rock.  She hoped she could run away and escape like in those shows her mom watched after she thought her daughter was asleep.  She wondered if anyone would hear her cry or scream?  Would she?

His fist found the side of her head.  She collapsed to the ground.  She crawled on all fours through the rocks that bit her knees trying to get back or get out.  Which way?  He laughed and kicked her so hard she flipped over.  She balled up and covered her face.  Maybe he would just bury her.  She'd lie there and be glad if that was it.  Just no more pain. No more hitting or kicking or ....  She peeped one eye open and slammed it shut quickly.  He stood over her with a stick; a big one, raised over his head like a kung fu sword.  She exhaled slowly and waited.

Behind her eyelids she noticed something.  Darkness.  "I must be dying or dead." she thought.  "Huh.  Maybe there isn't any pain when you die.  Are there angels?" She waited.. and waited but realized it just got darker. She wasn't afraid of the dark.  Not since the dreams. Then there was a scream.  She covered her mouth thinking instinctively that it was her own.  But it wasn't.  She dared to open her eyes.  Her dreams had told her what to do.  She sat up and watched as they scrambled around her attacker.  He was terrified.  He jumped around in tiny circles trying to watch them all.  And there were so MANY! He swung his sword but they easily dodged it.  He stabbed at them and they laughed.  When he attacked, so did they.  If he swung at one,  another would rush in and bite him or scratch him. They had such long teeth and nails.  She hadn't noticed this about them before.  They were larger than she remembered when they visited her; with spiky tails and barbs along their backs.  They kind of looked like bats but with smooshy faces... oh and such tiny hands.  She was a little surprised because she had held them and they seemed soft to her, and gentle ~ these dreams were different.  But she wasn't upset.

David turned to her and called her name.  She looked up as if puzzled by his voice.

"You fucking idiot ~ help me!!" another one rushed in and bit him.  He yelped and turned on it.  A different one jumped on his back and pulled a clump of hair so big it left a naked spot on his head.  There was a sparkle of blood.  This made them even happier and more aggressive.  Another climbed on and chewed on his ear.  The tallest one cried out.  It was like a burp so she laughed and quickly covered her mouth.  The other dreams stopped and waited.  David was panting and bloody.  His clothes were torn and there was a dark spot between his legs.  She smiled at that, even giggled.  The big one walked straight up to him and sniffed him.  He snarled and crawled like a spider up his chest.  The two monsters were face to face.  Her dream held the bully's head in its hands and waved its knife like fingers at him, smiling and raising its eyebrows.  Then it snaked it's fingers into David's mouth and began to twist.  The first tooth made a grinding sound as the roots snapped and tore.  The boy shrieked in pain and fell to his knees.  The others moved in but did not touch.  There was a thick crackling pop as another tooth was eagerly liberated.  The dreams laughed and elbowed each other.  A third.  The boy rocked back as the pain threatened his consciousness.

She stood and towered over him.  Blood smeared his mouth and nose.  He shielded his swelling eyes and focused on her.  As he did, he cried out and dug his heels in to try to get away.  Her friends stopped him and held him tightly.  She grabbed his hair and yanked his head back.  She stuck her nose to his nose and shook him.


"All right you  piece of shit. I'm going to count to five and then they're  going to chase you.  If you make it to the corner...You know you'll be safe because my Mommy will see you.  If not? " She rocked back and let him go.  The gremlins had parted and left a pathway between them. He stared at her.

"One." she said with a smile, her eyebrows slightly raised.

The boy scrambled to his feet and looked around.  He was confused, not knowing which way to turn to get to the corner.  Her friends seethed forward at the sound of a quiet "TWO".  David just ran with no direction and off the path.

"THREEEEEE!"she squealed happily and he screamed, hearing all the little feet beginning to scratch and dig excitedly at the ground.

"FOURFIVE" the little girl laughed and swirled gleefully as her tiny little nightmares did exactly what they said they would..  She did not stay. They made her promise.  She walked back toward the entrance; the opposite way from which David had chosen.  She headed to the corner, turning only once when the leader's gravelly voice whispered her name.

"Happy Birthday." it smiled, something dark dripped from its mouth like chocolate syrup.  She smiled again and bunched up her hand, throwing each of them kisses.

For the first time in a long time, she walked to the corner unafraid.


And there we have it.  The End.  This one has been a very long time coming.  I had a song stuck in my head that really had a hold on me.  I was a victim of bullying when I was about this age. Some of these accounts are sadly real.  I did actually have someone walk me to and from school but he was a gentle giant and a kind boy that I fell secretly in love with... understandable, yes? What happened to the bully? That's for another time.  Thank you for stopping by.  I hope we can visit together again soon.

Until next time.

 

The Corner (Chapter 2)

She thought they were dreams.  Dreams come when something happens that your eyes can't handle and so they pass the buck to your brain and IT tries to help you out when you sleep.  She heard the whispers and then she saw their eyes. They came from the shadows ~ that's how she knew they were dreams. She finally sat up and spoke to them (in her sleep, she was sure) and they began to gather around her bed...these dreams.  They were friendly, not scary. They did magic tricks and told her jokes.  "Where does a pirate put his toilet paper?  ON THE POOP DECK!" ahahahahahaha... she would whisper giggle until tears would sprinkle over her cheeks.  They would stop and wipe them away.  They tasted them and knew they were happy.  They brushed her hair and held her hands.  They noticed the marks, the band-aids and the bruises.  Sometimes they touched them or sniffed them and then they would look at each other and nod.  They would then turn to her and in their gravelly voices they would tell her to sleep, have happy dreams and that one day everything would be all right. She would put a kiss in her hand and toss it to each of them before she snuggled down under her purple comforter.  She would try to find comfort in the lie her dreams told.

It was her birthday.  Her mom made cupcakes and sent in party bags.  She would wear a birthday crown (like a gypsy princess) and when she got home, she would have her requested birthday supper: fried chicken, macaronis and cheese with peas and a chocolate cake with clowns all over it.  Clowns were funny; always falling down and honking horns and making flowers from balloons.  Her day would be filled with smiles.  After the last recess, she began to feel sick.  She wanted to got to Mrs. Bodecker and ask to go home early.  But she couldn't and she didn't.  She heard the bell ring and everyone was heading home.  She dawdled.  She sat in her desk and slowly packed up her remaining cupcakes and prize bags.  "Maybe," she thought, "he will let me go since I am the birthday girl"  An ember of hope sizzled under her new pink sweater.  It had a little bunny sewn on it and in pretty bubble letters : Somebunny loves me! Her teacher was packing up too.  It was Friday.  That meant a weekend and a couple of extra days to heal up before David began again.  Her sneakers felt like they were full of cement as she dragged down the hall and out the door.  Perhaps he'd gone ahead ~ eager for HIS weekend to start and he'd forgotten all about her.

She started out.  The sun was shining and a light breeze tossed hints of freshly cut grass and hamburgers on the grill.  There was laughter as kids raced home to jump in pools and splash off the hard work week of coloring and sight reading.  Her pace was quick.  She found herself puffing a little as she walk-ran alongside the woods where she usually was dragged and pounded.  But there was nothing.  Her heart was racing and her hands were sweating.  She saw the corner and almost began to run.  She was going to make it.  She was going to have the perfect birth....

He stood in front of her like a brick wall.  She walked straight into him and bounced back, landing on her butt.  Her cupcakes fell out of the box and the toy bags dumped their goodies.  She wasn't going to cry today she told herself.  She scooted back from him and pulled up a cupcake, holding it out as an offering.  He cocked his head like a dog and knelt down in front of her.

"For me?" the corner of his mouth turned up.  "You're giving this to me?"  she nodded, looking at the ground for a rock he might hit her with. 

"It's my birthday." she said softly, reaching up and adjusting the paper crown on her head.

"Wow.  Birthday huh?"  he leaned over her.  "Thank you." and he reached out. 

For a moment, she saw peace.  She thought he'd eat it and say it was the best he'd EVER had and that she was all right in his book.  He wouldn't beat her up anymore.  She had a hopeful grin and held it higher, prouder for him to take it.

His hand swooped under it and mashed it into her face and up her nose.  She smelled sugar and choked on sweet chocolate.  He took the others, tearing a bite from them and then shoving them in her ears or hair or down her shirt.  He pinched her so hard she bled.  How did he have such long nails?  She cried out and squirmed away.  She got up and began to blindly run, swiping at her face and pulling candy flowers from her hair.  She could see the corner.  Almost.... And then she saw a tall figure coming toward her.  She was certain that she'd left David behind her laughing and picking up the free pencils and little notepads that she'd dropped.  This figure kept coming.  Coming fast.  She stopped and stared. Then she rushed forward, tears streaming freely.  Her mouth was open and she was shouting her name "Mom MOM MOOOOOM Oh Mommy...." and her tiny arms made windmill circles like she could somehow fly to her this way.

"Honey... what... on ... EARTH..." The little girl fell at her feet, gasping.  She looked up and shook her head wildly.  "Let's go home.  I just want to go home."  she glanced over her shoulders and was horrified to see David standing next to her.

"Hi." he said holding the bags of toys.

Her mother said nothing as her daughter buried her face.

"Ummmm I'm David."

Her mother remained silent.

"See, uhh I was walking and there was this kid ~ he looked like he was hitting this little girl.  Your daughter? So I umm I stopped and tried to get him off.  He uhh he ran into the woods ~ you know that trail that leads back to the playground?  Yeah, he ran off that way, and I was uh trying to help her.  She has these toys.  Is it her birthday or something?" 

Stunned she sat back ~ she shielded her eyes to see her mother's face. Surely she would understand this was a lie.  It would all come out and she would be safe.  David would go to jail or maybe even H-E- double hockey sticks.  She gripped her mother's legs tighter.

"Ah. I see. Well, I can't thank you enough, David was it?  You helped my daughter.  What a brave young man you are.  I notice that she's been having some trouble so maybe you think this guy does it a lot?"

"Yeah, I-I- mean, maybe.  If he thinks she's an easy target.  She walks home by herself..."

"Well, maybe David, since you come this way, you could kind of keep an eye on her?  Maybe even walk with her in the morning?  I think that she could be safer..."

She stopped hearing anything else.  She looked up at him.  He who pounded her every day.  Now he would have the pleasure of doing it twice.  She looked at her mom with her mouth hanging open.  "No Mommy.  Don't"she was half begging, half crying.

"Honey...There's safety in numbers." Mom gently touched her head and turned back to the bully. "You're Denise Howard's boy right? I'll be sure to call her..."

"Okay. Yes Ma'am. " and he knelt down again and leaned in closely.  "I'll be glad to help you.  I'll walk you to school and I'll walk you home.  Your mom won't have to wait at the corner any....more." and his eyebrows went up.  He smiled and his eyes bore into her.  Her stomach lurched. 

"See you Monday.  And oh, Happy Birthday." he stood and waved innocently to her mother who scooped her up and carried her home.


She wondered if she could play sick for the rest of her life ~ develop some mystery illness that would allow her to be home schooled.  She thought all weekend but she couldn't get it to work.  Her mom would cock her head and tell her she was silly.  She told her she'd be fine; that David would be there.

"That's the problem" she wanted to yell.  But she didn't want to yell at Mommy because it wasn't her fault.  It was David's fault.And she thought she just about hated him. Yes, yes she did.   Saturday night she went to bed and her dreams tried to cheer her but she rolled away from them.  They climbed up in bed and sat with her, gently hugging her and listening as she at last trusted her mind to understand what she'd seen and been through.  Her dreams were silent.  She wondered if dreams could be mad because hers seemed to be.  They huddled together and spoke in low gravelly tones.  They looked over and then went back to more guttural whispers.  She pleated the sheet with her hands and waited.  They got down off the bed and went back to the shadows.  She was sad and wondered if she would ever have nice dreams again.

It was Sunday and she was very nervous.  Ms. Howard had talked to her mom and they believed it was a great idea for her son, David, to walk her to and from school each day.  They couldn't believe who would do such a thing and what kind of monsters were his parents because that behavior had to be learned from SOMEWHERE. Oh they clucked their tongues and congratulated each other on their quick and efficient protective parenting and problem solving skills.  This, after all, is what made a community; attention to detail and observant parenting.

She was doomed.  She moped all day.  She stared out the window and wished she could run away ~ or disappear.  She barely ate and merely sat in the tub allowing herself to be washed rather than playing and singing as she usually did.  There was no reason. She was certain she would disappear into those woods and never come out.  She wondered if Ms Howard would cry.  Would David?  She would miss her mom.  Miss fried chicken and cupcakes.  She would miss so many things.  She had heard it said at funerals "He/She lived a full life..." this was not something she felt.  SHE had not lived a full life.  SHE had not been the line leader to the lunchroom NOR had she been chosen to sit aside Mrs. Bodecker and hand out papers.  THAT would have been a full life ... but no.  She was just going to be demolished by David Howard.

She sighed and turned out the light.  Her dreams came in tiny whispers.  At first she couldn't understand what they were telling her.  She didn't believe them.  She swatted, tossed and turned.  She whimpered as they crawled up next to her and let her know that everything was going to be okay.    Then they told her why.... She lay still and slept deeply.  Her dreams waiting patiently in the night shadows.


And here we are together again ~ so exciting, right? Ha. Bear with me.  We're almost there.  I'll see you at the end of the week.  I hope you'll finish this ride with me.  I know I've loved it so far.  We'll chat soon.  Sleep well.

Until next time.

 

The Corner (Chapter 1)

Her lungs burned as her kindergarten feet pounded down the sidewalk.  Her arms and hands pulled in tightly hugging her white windbreaker close as if she were trying to keep her heart from jumping out and running ahead. She could almost see it; the corner where she would at last be safe.  The laughter got louder.  

"Please faster...please just faster" she begged her little boots.  She loved these boots.  Her mommy had bought them and they had a little gold buckle with the slightest heel.  They made her feel so grown up and pretty; like a gypsy princess. Now, she just hoped they would hold together until the corner.

Today was the day she learned why to never wear anything hooded.  Without warning, her windpipe snapped shut as the zipper from her jacket gouged her.  Her arms that had been tucked like a baby bird's flew out to grab and hopefully catch her little body.  The boots were no longer running.  There was a thick smack as her head brutally crashed to the ground.  She blinked and swung wildly, knowing what was coming.  It came every day at this time. Her beat down from David Howard; a bully three grades up. 

She had never spoken to the boy, only walked the same way to and from school.  He had yelled across the street to her and called her ugly.  Called her a faggot (whatever that was) and after the first time he punched her in the stomach so hard she fell to the ground and threw up, he called her Crybaby.  His pastime was chasing her home from school, beating her up before she could reach the corner where her mom could see her from their house.

Today he pinned her with his elbows and spit on her.  He jumped up and down on her arms and wrists until she thought her hands would pop off.  It had been raining so he grabbed leaves and mud and smeared it under her nose and then into her mouth when she gasped for air.  

"You look like a stupid guppy." he laughed exaggerating his movements and crushing her chest.

"Stop David. Please. Why are you...?" she wheezed and choked.

"Shut up you stupid little crybaby...wahhhh wahhhhhhh" he leaned forward shoving the crease of his jeans up to her chin.  He farted.  "Guess what I had for lunch?" He howled  at his own joke.

The little girl sputtered and gagged.

"Guess!" he looked down at her, his eyes dark.  His girlishly long hair hanging in his face.  He rocked back on one hip, letting up and for a moment she thought he was done for the day.  He got up and absently brushed his hands.  She rolled over and coughed.  Mud bubbled out of her nose and she spat a small stick.  She wiped her eyes now red and swollen.  She took a gurgled breath, tasting fear and dirt.

"All right you tiny piece of shit. I'm going to count to five and then I'm going to chase you.  If you make it to the corner...You know you'll be safe because your Mommy can see you.  If not? I'm going to kick your ass so bad you'll piss you little pants.  Got it?"

His voice was muffled in her ears, dull and angry, the words not quite clear.  But she had been through this enough to know ~ so she scrambled to her feet and bolted.

To the corner.  Almost. To.  The.  Corner.

She quietly opened the door begging the hinges to keep her secret.  She knew she was going to get in trouble.  Her brand new "pantyhose" (just like Mommy wore) were ripped.  Her boot heel had come loose but she had glue in her room that she stole from Mrs. Bodecker's craft closet; so that should help.  She washed off what she could at the front hose.  That could explain the slosh in her boots.  Nobody needed to know it was warm and not the cold water from the tap. She snaked her body along the wall to avoid the kitchen.  The rubber soles squeaked softly but she shushed them and stood up on her toes.  She made it to her room and began to change out of her destroyed outfit.  She picked a long sleeve tee-shirt to hide the scratches and soft pants since they felt nice on all the cuts and bruises forming along her back.  She had not made it to the corner today.  He had gotten a second round that consisted of his version of kickball.  She hissed and winced.  She saw blood on her panties.  She would have to throw them away. Gingerly, she padded to the bathroom and held her breath while she peed.  Her mother hummed a song as she came down the hall.

She knocked. "You alright Doodlebug?" 

"Yip" she tried to sound regular but her face was pinched so tight she couldn't see.  Her lips pressed so close together that the screams never made it out, only the tears. When her mom moved on, satisfied, she reached for her bath towel and cried.  Sobbing into the plush dancing teddy bears until everything gave out.  Then she wiped her face, stood up and stepped out.  She moved slowly and deliberately until bedtime, careful not to get too close to anyone.  She asked if she could go to bed early.

"Sure Honey.  You okay?"

"Tired." she tried to smile. Everything hurt.

"Want to tell me what happened?"

She felt the color drain from her face and she saw sparkly stars around her.  She got dizzy. She dug her toe at the rug.  "What."

"Yes indeed. What.  What happened to your boots?  Why are your tights ripped?  Did you have an accident?"

All these questions.  She just stood in front of her mom trembling and shaking her head no.  Her mind was screaming for her to tell ~ just shout it all out.  But she knew it would only get worse when her mom called his mom and he knew.  He'd know she told.

"I'm sorry Mommy." And the tears fell.  She was sorry all right.  Sorry she wasn't strong and brave.  She was so so sorry about her new clothes because she knew they didn't have a lot of money to buy stuff.  She was sorry that David Howard was mean and she couldn't be nice enough to him to make him stop hitting her; every day of her life.

"Don't be sorry....talk to me.  Want me to take you and pick you up?"

"Oh no Mommy. I know you are busy.  I'm okay.  I'll be more careful. I'll do better." her voice was small and shaky.  She rushed her words and tried to smile.

Mommy wrinkled her eyebrows.  She was thinking.  She twisted her mouth and just when she was certain her mom would say something she blew her a kiss.  "Want me to tuck you in? I can read a story and we can have cookies. Girls' night"  

She held her lips in a thin line.  "Just sleepy.  I love you." and she turned.  Her jammie bottoms dragging softly on the worn carpet.  

"I love you back"

Whew

She brushed her teeth and turned out the light.  She took her little play library steps and moved them so she could get into bed. " One day I'll be big enough." She thought.  Her muscles were beginning to ache and the bruises were beginning to streak and show.  They were going to be black then purple blue green and yellow ~ a painful rainbow she thought sadly.  Her butterfly nightlight winked from near the closet that was open just a little. She did not turn it on.  Most kids her age were afraid of the dark and closets.  She knew the truth; the scariest monsters were out in the daylight.





Hello and welcome back. I am glad we get to share this time, no matter how short.  This one is longer than my usual "drive-by", so I thought I would break it up into a couple of short chapters.  Enjoy and I'll post the second chapter mid-week, with a round up by the weekend.  Thanks again.  You're good company.

Until next time.

 

Lessons

There are times when the universe puts you to the test. You step back, you absorb, process and move on. You grow, accepting the valuable lesson and appreciate what you've learned.

Then there are the times where you realize the universe is making fun of you ~ all your efforts and seeming know-how.  It takes your well thought-out plans and hoists its heavy leg to make tee-tee on everything; like a fire hose out of control. That has been my collection of "lessons" over the last several months.  Yes, months.

It began with the lesson of patience.  I was trying to reciprocate my professional license because we are relocating.  We are following a more gentle, breathable path in our lives ~ so we thought.  I hit wall after wall of "We need...",  "We won't release without...", or "It's in our hardcopy archives because it's been SO long ago..." That was a DOUBLE kick in the shins because some lil gum-chewer took a pot-shot at my age.  Yes, thank you, Darlin for reminding me that I was thirty something before my first cell phone and I remember a fascinating tickle as AOL cranked up like an old forgotten field plow: rrrrrrrruuuuummmm vrrrr-whirrrrrrrr CONNECTED ....

But I persevered and got what I needed.  I sighed and stepped up to the next task: Diligence. Cheech and I have come to understand the universe does not enjoy our travel hi-jinx; demonstrating this displeasure by whipping up freak snowstorms, monsoon-like rains and devastating winds whenever we venture out on vacation.  I apologize to those of you who did not receive the memo.  Please check your spam folder and look for the sender: Muthuh Nature.  I know you are scoffing but here are some irrefutable examples:

 I wanted to surprise my favorite playmate with a sexy trip to a BEAUTIFUL spa winery.  It was a surprise ~ for both of us since 1) I had never EVER done anything so romantically wreckless 2) I kept it a secret for months. The time came and I had wonderful plans from dinners, tastings, massages and other fun activities.  Arriving, Cheech became ill, popping a fever and being bed ridden for the entire weekend.  Still skeptical?  Well chew on the fact that a freak snow storm roared up on the place where we were staying; a southern state thoroughly ill-equipped  for even a light frost.  The melee that ensued included: panicked (but professional) rescheduling of all services that could not be cancelled, a new flight, and another hotel ~ extra meals... so much for nekkid sexy time.  But I soldiered on and took away that I got to read a lot.  I dozed in luxury and smelled wonderful smells from a spa I never saw.  We checked out and headed to our second hotel.  Sitting at a stoplight, we were rear-ended by a taxi.  No, I am NOT joking.  My gentle, calm thoughts here?  We got fresh warm cookies and a free lunch from the hotel.  Both were delicious.

And my second example?  We want to move to our lake house.  We want to breathe deeper and reduce the stress of two household, one of which is too big for us now.  That would include travel. And what happened?  The whole world broke.  A pandemic.

Then there was today.  We have been preparing our house our kids and dogs for this day.  I am a couple of weeks from going -for good.  We are in the home stretch.  The painters have finished every inch of the house.  The carpets are ordered and on their way.  We are moments from listing ... Life is good and the universe is smiling... I mistook it for the "good job" smile versus the "Waaaaaiiiit for it... WAAAAAIIIIIT FOR IT....." grin.  Silly me.

So my beloved went tinkle and copped a shower to begin his day.  I was sitting in our piano room with my coffee doing my morning think.  I heard a gentle trickle and glanced out the window.  "hmm ~ didn't think the rain was starting until later..." I frowned thinking of the big load I was taking up to Promises today, meeting the kids and having a stress free weekend of games, food and ... wine.  But it WASN'T raining.  At least outside.  I jumped up and bolted around the corner to see water spewing from my register vent in the ceiling.  It assaulted my counters and swallowed my kitchen tile.  "Nononononono NOOOOOOOOO!" I heard myself growling as I dashed up the steps, down the hall to my bathroom.  My Cheech was soaped up and busy.  

"Rinse and turn off the water." I said calmly.  I think I said it.  Inside my skull, my brain was shrieking, my grey matter frothing with fear and fury.

"What?" he wiped his face.  Water ran.  My heart began to race.  My feet were wet.  I looked over to see the Porcelain God vomiting onto my floor at an alarming rate.  I could hear my bathroom carpet slurping, sucking, trying to help me hold it back.  Thank you carpet.  I loved you best for your dedication to warm feet and now this... I weep at the loss of you but know this:  You were a valiant soldier. Amen.

With a hint of volume and desperation, I repeated myself in a puff "RINSEANDTURNOFFTHEWATER" I jumped to the toilet, and performed the plumbing Heimlich. (Thank God I'm certified) It gurgled and swallowed.  Too late now you douche I glared and hissed.  I grabbed towels enough to birth a village threw them to the floor and dashed passed my husband who stood awestruck.

"This is not happening." he scolded the water.  I felt the rush of his energy willing it to stop.  When this was not effective he turned off the water and joined me in the kitchen.

"Oh my FUCK THIS IS NOT HAPPENING" The volume drowned out the water.  (Hey Alanis... it IS ironic...) I turned off circuits because water was weeping from the lights in the ceiling.

The shop-vac was awakened, blankets from the couch were deployed.  There was no time for tears or distress. We called emergency services and insurance companies. Aqua-war was on.  We were winning.  Sort of.  We waited for the water-vac (like medi-vac but with more rubber and different masks... remember THIS when I throw my next theme party...) and sat silently.  My mind was racing, searching for anything positive....I looked at my shell-shocked husband, frustrated and angry.  We are exhausted.  We just want to move and look forward to something a little easier and more simple.

So I only had one thing to say.

"Why is the floor wet... TODD?????"

He looked at me over his computer.  His lips tight and thin.  I should have heeded the warning but I was like Bugs Bunny in a straight jacket; head back scream-laughing... then I got up.

"Okay well, with the service people coming, I am just going to sneak upstairs and grab a quick shower...."

He smiled and said "I do love you."

My lesson?  We will survive and together we are invincible. That and we will keep this community employed through the beer flu.  Pass the putty knife and towels.  We're gonna have a spackle party.  Bring your tool belts and butt cracks.


Laugh with me.  I need the company ... Better days and stronger martinis.
Until next time, please use the downstairs toilet.