Grief

I'm just so sad. I can't put it into different words or a grander thought. My heart hurts and promises me that today he'll come home to me; make it better and safe again. My mind says otherwise. I am afraid of the emptiness that screams at me.  I am angry at the loneliness which knocks at the windows of my mind, asking to come in. I pace and search for things to do. I sit, then stand, then pace some more; watching, hoping it's just not true.  He's not gone.

He left that morning, just as usual with a warm hand on my shoulder and a kiss on the top of my head.  "See you tonight" Then he flashed that smile that makes my heart soar. Can you love a smile that much? So much that you feel it, taste it in your soul like the sweetest, most warming and comforting dessert you've ever taken in? Yes.  So I let him go.  I had no reason to believe he wouldn't be anything but home at dinner.  But I ate alone.  I tried to wait up, instead falling asleep on the couch.  It had been dark a long time when I woke.  I stood at the door and looked out; at nothing. Shadows of cars that meandered passed our house tricked me into excited anticipation. "Now he's here. Now he's safe. Now...?" My body was tired from worry. I sat down again, sighing heavily.

The knock jolted me from a sleep I didn't know visited me. I jumped to the door and peeked out.  "Surely he's playing a joke on me." I was breathless and ecstatic, hovering at the glass.  "Well, hurry up. Get in here! Hold me and tell me it was just a rough night and it's all okay again."

But there was a tall dark clothed man standing with our neighbor, Nick. Nick is a good man. To many, he would appear suspicious and unfriendly.  We get along okay. I smile at him and he smiles back.  He says hi and is usually pretty quick to come out to give me a quick hug and see how I'm doing if I'm out walking. Quirky? Maybe. But I watched helplessly as Nick used a key to come in.  They stood and we all stared at each other; like curious cows. I heard the words from far away; "... won't be coming home...." desperately unbelieving them.  I found myself still watching-more than glad to prove them wrong.  My breath fogged the window with hollow promise. I contemplated the unfairness in life; not understanding why I wasn't allowed to simply love someone. 

Time began to crawl as the people came - too many.  And sorrow moved in uninvited.  It's a heavy, demanding guest, waking me with  panicky punches in the chest, causing restlessness.  It laughs while I roam around and remember; his warm touch, his laugh or Sundays on the couch with sports, Saturdays in the park, the special little things that make a life worth sharing; give it meaning. 

Now, everyone stops to lay a hand on me- they mumble words  I don't understand or truly care to hear.  I just want it back the way it was; simple and happy.  I hear them talk about me:

"What's she gonna do without him?  Where will she go?" 

These words are haunting, frightening.  That kind of fear is biting, makes me raw under my skin, my hair tingles at the dread of reconfiguring everything.  I know I will survive.  We can live without happiness or joy but it sure isn't as much fun.  Am I so selfish for being angry at having that stolen from me? I will get up. I will do what I do every single day.. All alone.

More touching-It's almost painful.  I want to smack them. More tears; though not mine.  I seem to have run out.

I sit here in front of his new home; not one we chose. One much colder and darker; marked by prettily etched rock.  Won't he need a jacket? Want a blanket? I would.  Can he see me? Does he even know how much I miss him? Did I show him I loved him enough? Is he lonely and scared too? Does Heaven allow that? Or did he forget me; not remember me at all? Is that what taking the pain away means? Finding peace? Memories blow away like dandelion seeds in the wind? Poof. 

The people have run out of things to say so they get in their cars and drive off.  Nick waits. When everyone is gone, he comes next to me and kneels.  His hand on my back hee gently prods me.

"C'mon. I'll take you home."

I don't argue. I turn and look one last time... "Won't you come too?" my eyes plead with that hateful stone with nothing but his name; such an unfair reflection of all he was to me but I couldn't erect a monument tall enough to tell all my heart felt. He will not be joining us. They were right all along.  It's just us.  Me and Nick.  I want to lie down next to that stone and sleep too. 

I don't realize we are back home.  Nick stops the car.  I sit, too exhausted to move.  But he comes around and opens the door.  Still I sit.

"C'mon." he coaxes.

I look at him.  He reaches for me and cups my face.  "I know.   It will be okay.  Come inside.  I'll get you something to eat."

But I don't want anything to eat. I want him to come home.  I want to sleep in our bed.  I want him to smile at me and do what he said. "See you tonight".  I pause at Nick's doorway.  New smells.  New shapes.  Shadows.  I smell something familiar.  I slowly venture in.  He doesn't rush me.  I look around and try to find the source.  I know this... I know this something.  I see my bed.  I see my toys.  I see my food bowl.

Nick sits down next to me and rubs his face.  I see his shoulders shake- tears.  I wander over and lay my paw on his leg.

"It's okay" I try to show him.  I lick his face because it is so close to mine.  "Thank you."
He smiles at me.  I wag back. I will help Nick with his grief.


A heartfelt piece for me. I cried like a baby and could barely see to edit it. We all could use a good cry once in a while; to lighten and let go.. I hope you liked this one as much as I did.  Thank you for coming over. Would you pass the tissues? Mine are all soggy.