I just ran. I gulped at the air and felt it singe my lungs; grateful for the pain. I pumped my arms until I thought I would punch my own mouth and I'd have welcomed the bruised or bloody lip. I heard one word spewing in a ragged pant from my mouth in a panicked verbal chain:
movemoveMOVEMOVE!!!!!!!
I did not look back ~ I would never look back again. My mind scrambled to wad up what I had seen; tearing through the images as if they were pornographic pictures tucked inside a Doctor Seuss book. I wanted; no NEEDED, to forget what happened.
The streets tried to choke me with random trash cans, narrow bending streets and barking dogs forcing me to jump and juke on top of my already raw, fragile state. I hopped curbs and took side streets to make it back home. I just wanted to be home; in my bed, under my blankets with all the lights on and the doors locked; then maybe I could cry. My porch light softly winked between breezy branches and drifting leaves like a buoy bobbing in a sea of fear and evil; dark.... drowning. I half laughed as I hit the door, fumbled the keys and let myself in. I locked it; four more times. I slapped the switch and extinguished any flicker of welcoming glow outside because I wanted NO visitors...at this point... EVER AGAIN and pulled the drapes. I grunted and gasped as I stumbled around to close them all, lock the back and check the front once more for good measure. Finally, I knelt next to the couch, resting my head, not wanting to risk signs of life or movement from the street with my shadow. I felt my heart settle into my throat with a slightly more regular rhythm. I was able to command my hands to rest on my knees in that balled up position wedged between an end table and the side of my couch. I began the task of collecting myself.
She was dead; my friend Shannon. My brain chose to flash memories of us laughing, telling secrets and crying together from the more than fifteen years that made up our friendship. I cupped my mouth and felt the hot stone of loss expand under my ribs. Part of me wanted it to explode out of my chest, then the pain and fear would be there for all to see. "Have at it folks! I'll gladly share" I thought cynically. The sobs stabbed at me like thick wrenching hiccups. The tears could barely squeak out passed my squinched eyes. I bit my cheek to stop the scream that bubbled at the base of my throat.
There was nothing left to do but wait.
Slowly, calm edged in, returning to me like a slow creeping tide as did the understanding of what had to be done. I was amazed by the crisp matter-of-factness and clarity with which the solution presented itself. "Of course. I see." I mumbled to my own company and found strength to rise, move and prepare. I felt an urgency knowing the opportunity would all too soon arrive. I was right.
The knob jiggled. The shadow rocked back and forth, trying to peek around the drapes, followed by a harsh whisper.
"Harper!" came the hiss.
I swiped my hand along my moist upper lip and took hold of the door handle. That sense of calm glazed over me and made me numb. I opened the door to the most horrible evil I had ever known. My boyfriend Eric stood on my porch hugging himself. He shook as I had. I smelled it immediately; Shannon's blood. I sucked in my lips to hold back the sick stirring in my belly.
"Eric"
"Let me in." he said, brushing by me; carelessly; not tenderly as he had always done before. There was no kiss hello, no hug. Just a shove and he was there; pacing and bloody inside my home. I closed the door.
"Eric. You can't stay here."
"The Hell I can't. Get me some clothes. These are ruined." He pulled at his grey tee shirt that was now smeared brown and growing stiff as my friend's blood dried. The stench of warm pennies cloyed at my nostrils. I sniffed and looked away.
"You will look funny in my Hello Kitty nightshirt." I said coolly and sat down in the chair, smiling slightly as he mirrored my actions and sat at the edge of the couch folding his maroon crusted hands between his knees.
"Sit with me." he patted the cushion next to him. I slowly shook my head. He looked wounded. "Why not?"
"You know why Eric. Don't you? Look at yourself. Don't you understand what you've done?"
He was silent looking down at the floor letting his long fingers tap each other like bloody dancing spiders.
"What I've done." his voice was flat. The hair raised on the back of my neck at its tone. I smoothed the front of my jeans and tucked my hands in the sides of the chair as if sitting on them. I felt comfort at the blade's playful bite on my fingertips.
"What I've done." he said again; and again. It became almost a chant. His voice sounded distant and tight. I wondered if he had spoken to Shannon that way before he killed her; smashing her head with a rock after crushing her windpipe with his bare hands and bashing her repeatedly against the ground . I shivered as the sound of Shannon's blood soaked hair clapped against the dirt echoed in my ears. Such senseless violence.
"Why Eric?" The moment the words left my mouth I knew it was a mistake. My body stiffened in anticipation.
"WHY?" he hysterically squeaked jumping from his seat. He was in front of me before my eyes could focus. His breath was salty and sour; hot on my cheeks. He grunted through gritted teeth. "You don't remember? You lie to yourself as much as you lie to me Harper?" he tilted his head side to side like a puppy failing to understand a command.
"Eric" I said softly, soothingly in an attempt to hold this madman on my side of sanity. "She was my friend. I loved her like a sister. I wouldn't ever want anything bad to happen to her." My eyes found his and I willed him to understand and feel my hurt; the hurt he caused
He rocked forward, our foreheads almost clunking. My fingers clutched the knife so tightly they ached but still, I hesitated. Maybe I wanted to believe he didn't do this; that we could still love each other.
Eric leaned in, his full lips that used to drive me crazy, almost kissing me; playfully. He smiled sweetly and traced my mouth. I tasted metal and felt my mouth quiver in sadness, revulsion. His fingers cupped my chin and tilted my face to see him and with a childish giggle he said it.
"You did this."
My eyebrows raised and I felt my jaw drop. My hand did what it was supposed to and jutted forward with the knife. The blade struck his sternum and I just yanked down and pushed in farther when the resistance stopped. The cut was deep and long. His blood covered Shannon's and cascaded thickly into a pool on my floor. I never moved. I just kept cutting. He grabbed my hands and tried to pull them out but I was strong. I held my ground. Mine and Shannon's. He frowned and mewled like a kitten. He crumpled to the floor and I simply let the knife cut whatever flesh it came into contact with as he did. I sat there holding it for several minutes and listened for him to stop gurgling; living. Still clutching the weapon I dialed the police.
They came and flapped notebooks at me, asked questions. I barely heard them. I just stared at the floor. Why would Eric do this? I shook my head in dazed confusion. I couldn't imagine. I cried then. They took me to the hospital, checked me out all the while asking more questions. I was finally allowed to go home around lunch the following day. They would contact me soon. Their voices were soft and gentle. They wanted to understand what had happened but since Eric was dead, they had to tell me we might never know. They apologized and looked at the ground almost embarrassed.
That was fucking fabulous news to me. I had to put on the weak, scared little girl act for a while longer but I would triumph and emerge as the strongest young woman they had ever met. I was certainly stronger than that cheating bastard Eric or my slutty fake bitch friend Shannon ever dreamed. Did they really think I wouldn't figure them out? The pathetic fact that they thought I wouldn't DO anything about it dumbfounded me. Even after I asked, warned them... they really left me no choice. I knew he loved her more than me when he cradled her dead body there in the woods rocking back and forth whining her name. She had thrown me for a loop by calling him and telling him we were meeting out there at the old quarry to make amends. But I was faster, smarter... than either of them. I won. So I will wear black and cry off my make up; be an Oscar winning actress and then go on; find a new BFF and a perfect boyfriend almost as if
It Never Occurred.
Well, I'm not thrilled but I did at least break the block. All things considered, it DID feel good to finish and have enough twists and turns to create that pouty "Hmmph" nod as I edited and prepped it. I am happy to see you came back and stayed with me for a bit. Your company is always comforting. Dare I say we could be BFFs? LOL
I hope you are having a nice week. I will try to rework a couple of the fragments I have hidden away.
See you soon.
Much love,
Tessa
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