Sunday, January 17, 2016

Wiped the Tears

God DAMMIT how he hated the burnt sting of Jack Daniels.
                              > Gulp<       >wince<
It was the tenth time he'd thought this tonight and drank heavily yet again, glancing at the three-quarters empty bottle.  He sat pitifully in the night, cursing the silence as it screamed the truth. He had shattered the mirror in the hall when he'd finally seen it; the ugly truth, himself.  This battle with Jack had become a nightly ritual, an unsuccessful attempt at making her smile, her laughter, her love disappear or at least quiet down inside his heart.  No his head. He was going nuts.  It had nothing to do with his heart.  It had been over a year and the problem; his problem only seemed to be getting worse, becoming a thin papery veil of the man he'd (bragged about) been before. He still went out with the guys, chased and conquered meaningless sluts all for the high-fives and boasting but in the end, it was just like JD leaving his mouth and body dry and bitter.
                              >Gulp<         >wince<
Jesus CHRIST this stuff tasted like horse shit and sawdust.  His teeth ground together and his breath heaved out.  His head tilted and he quietly asked the room and all the furniture to please sit the fuck still.  "Just hang on boys..." he slurred; his eyes rolling around drunkenly casting frustrated glances at it all.  "This shouldn't take much longer."  He lolled his head toward the now empty bottle of pills.  "The last supper indeed" he snorted.
                             >Gulp<          >wince<
She had been so lovely; sweet to him.  She had been in love with him.  Love.  What a dangerous word that had been to him; forbidden.  He'd told her many times, warned her, that he wasn't the marrying man.  He regretted that now.  He was angry with his carelessness and stupidity. He felt like an ass picking her up at a coworker's funeral.  It had been a dare from"The Waterboyz".  He'd sat next to her; consoled her, and by the end of the wake had gotten her number on the guise that they could hang out, cheer each other up...what a dick.  He wished he'd just left her alone.  Then he wouldn't want to see her green eyes light up when he walked into the room or hear her laugh and feel her touch his arm when he leaned in to tell her something; wanting the chance to say she was beautiful or that he loved her instead of one of  his "go to's": a filthy suggestion of events later in the night or stuffing his chubby fingers up her dress.  He so wanted the chance to show her he WAS a marrying man; a good man.  He wanted to be her man.  He missed hearing that she adored him. She said it all the time with a quick peck or a gentle stroke of his cheek.  But he had been too busy making eyes down the bar or at the waitress or sending sexts to someone else.  And at last when he thought he'd tired of her; convinced she couldn't "make it worth his while" anymore, he moved on without explanation or apology; as if she were a sport.  Love is not a sport.  She should never have been sport. Maybe if he had been a better man, she wouldn't have killed herself.
                           >Gulp<            >sigh<
The blinks were coming slower and longer.  His teeth thumped with his pulse; distant, deep, getting weaker...
He drained the bottle relieved, at some level, to see the end in sight.  His body was screaming for him to stop; nausea churned in his burning belly, panting and sweating albeit shallow and cool.  He couldn't move. His mind was cloudy.  He looked at the label but the letters were dancing on it so he didn't know what they said anymore.  He drooled and felt his stomach lurch so hard he fell forward cracking his nose on the bottle as they both tumbled to the floor.  He wretched but fought the final act of vomiting.  He would not be discovered in a pool of sick.  He swallowed and swallowed....
For a long time.
When he opened his eyes, he was was initially pissed, believing he was still alive.  Everything was fuzzy and blurry.  He was surprised there was no headache or hangover.  He glanced around, hearing noises and seeing shadows.  He called out angrily and searched but in the end, he found only himself lying in a pool of sick, waiting to be discovered.  He sighed and tried to kick his body... calling it pathetic.  The whispers became louder and more aggressive.  He realized he was bridging the gap..."Gonna meet some ghosts n shit!" he thought childishly.  They were not friendly.  Their warm breathy warning was simple :Not here.  Not you.  Get out.
He had nothing to lose and had to get going anyway so he flipped the bird, said a cordial "Bite me" and wandered out in search of her.  He scoured the town, called her name as if she were a lost pet.  How does one ghost find another?  They can't use a cell phone.  He was tired and frustrated.  At last he made it to their old office.  He wasn't strong enough or didn't know how to open doors or go through them so he had to wait until someone came in or out just like lifers did.  The same was true for the elevator although he thought later he could take the forty flights... he wouldn't feel a thing.  He looked around and enjoyed watching people, following them and noticed he sometimes gave them pause...the creeps? He stopped in the lunchroom and glanced about almost falling to the floor when he recognized the man whose funeral had brought them together.  He and the Waterboyz had always busted on him; rejecting his attempts at friendship.  The man looked surprised to see him.

"Didn't expect to see you..especially here.  You seem more of a titty bar haunter.  What happened? Jealous boyfriend?"

"No.  I got carried away with the whole DIY scene"

"Oh.  Pressure? Embezzle?"

"Wha? Oh FUCK NO... I was never.. you think??? " he stood with his mouth open

The man shrugged indifferently.

"A girl"

"Here?  Janey?"

"yeah. You seen her?" he dropped his head and toed the floor.  he was surprised that the lifers around him didn't bother him and vice versa.


He felt his heart.. well SOMETHING got all twitterpated inside him.


"Oh she's gone.  Been gone.  Said she was gonna go somewhere that made her happy.  You know she loved you right?"


"That makes you a douchebag."


the man shrugged again.  "Whatcha gonna do now hotshot?  Kill me?  You got none of your friends to laugh at your mean jokes and back you up.  Leave her alone.  Don't ruin her eternity too... like you did her life."

But he'd already turned and begun to walk out.  "I love her.  It's why I'm here." he tossed heroically over his shoulder.

"Douchebag." was muttered once more too softly for him to hear.

He had to think.  Where did they go? He spent a lot of time trying to find her.  Of course there had been so many women that he couldn't remember who liked what ... but all he had was time so he wasn't rushing.  He called after her everywhere he went.  He was getting better at finding and seeing others like him.  It was on a cold day (the lifers were wearing hats and gloves, hugging themselves and blowing into their hands) when he at last saw her walking along a street.  She was strolling and looking at the windows which were decorated for the holidays.  He began to remember now.  He'd brought her to Chicago for a conference.  He didn't want anyone to know he'd brought someone so he'd sent her out with his credit card to shop.  In the meantime he had met someone during the seminar and taken her up to their room during lunch for a quick romp.  God he was SUCH a jackass.  He watched her for a long time. 

She walked slowly and looked lovingly at the children who squealed and marveled about the upcoming holidays and why Santa made his elves look just like him when they were standing on every corner ringing bells or checking the naughty lists in the big chairs and listening to all they wanted for Christmas.  He felt her longing to hold a child, be a mother, part of a loving family.  His insides twisted or maybe it was his soul quivering with shame for what he'd done.  Her eyes were green as emeralds.  Her hair just a hint of red.  She had never had a porn star body but one that was comfortable, beautiful and safe.  He was filled with despair at finally realizing these things about her; about himself.

He crossed the street and approached.  She saw him.  Panic filled her eyes.  Sadness filled his heart.  He reached for her.  She jumped at finally understanding they shared the same plane.  He was one of them.  She pulled and tugged but he kept with her and stepped in close to hold her there with him.  At last she stopped.  She stood still and looked at him; inside him.

"I came for you."

"You shouldn't have."

"I was wrong.  I was so wrong.  I love you. I know that now; with all that I am and I will love you forever.  I will spend eternity making up for all the things I've done; the opportunities I've missed, the love I lost in life.." the tears were falling freely.  It was the warmest thing he'd felt in quite a while; maybe ever.  He got down on one knee and looked up at her beautiful face.  He pushed his face into the apron of her belly and smelled her perfume.  He breathed in as hard as he could.

She looked at him for a long time and finally knelt in front of him.  She wiped the tears that streamed down his face, holding it in her hands, she looked deeply into his eyes.

"Go right ahead."  and she stood, turned on her heel and vanished into the crowd of lifers, leaving him alone with his demons.

Hello there folks and peoples.  I hope you are having a great weekend.  It has been busy here but I had to sit down and bang this one out.  I liked it.  Liked the feel of it and the ending ~ just skewed enough.  I kinda love it when the "not so prince charming" gets a little more than just desserts.  Trite? Yes indeed, but I like it.  A lot. :)  Well let's hope it's not so long before we hang out again.  We're so much fun together, aren't we? Thanks for stopping by.

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