Well hello pretty people!
I hate to do this (again, it seems) but a few minor tragedies have claimed most of my time this week..and weekend. I have a couple partials, a couple marinating and I just cant sit here long enough to do a dom thing with them.
I really hope that you enjoyed friends and family over the holiday. I pray you had safe travels and if you went out and shopped, it was fruitful.( ~ Buncha nutbags!)
Iam hoping to spend a coupld of evenings here this week so don't give up or go away. I'll be back soon I promise.
Enjoy what's left of a weekend.
Warm hugs
Tessa
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Well my week is over and I must head back to work tomorrow.
I enjoyed my days up north; the otter, the eagles, beaver and even the coyotes in an eerie way. I had some snow and loved watching the ice begin to form across the water. It was great to have the fire going and write.( I have quite a few to get up but we'll wait for them. They need to marinate. :) ) It's so beautiful and peaceful here. Cheech and I passed in the night so to speak as they headed up to spend a Paul Bunyan weekend; just the guys.
That meant girls only back home. so we decorated the house for the holidays, shopped, ate lunch out and then? What would any sane mother daughter duo do? We watched horror movies and scared ourselves rotten. It began with a few zombies but by the time the sun gave up on us, we were knee deep in jungle monsters and mutants. The lights? Oh no they weren't on. Where's the fun in that? We were too scared to even go to the kitchen to eat dinner and denied it by making fun of each other with nervous laughter:
"Chicken."
"No! YOU'RE chicken!"
~more nervous laughter.
Nobody moved.
The dogs still had to go out though. so it became a game of "Your turn" Whoever lost that, was stuck outside with? Oh yeah, zombies, jungle monsters and mutants... I think I saw a crazed psychopathic killer near the barn. And to be completely unreasonable, we would turn the lights OUT on each other and stand there glaring at the lock....Do I? Should I? It would keep them out...
When we could no longer stand being in the family room, we turned on lights, made a panicked grab for some snacks and raced up the stairs. My daughter was slamming on lights ahead and I was cutting them out as we ran. No communication was needed by anyone; not even the toddlers. Nope. We all dashed up jumped in bed, hid the snacks and clicked the TV. We spent all night watching, snacking and scaring the holy snot out of each other. Sleep? It's for the weak. Besides, someone had to keep watch. heehee. We woke up this morning and went out to breakfast; just to make sure the world hadn't been destroyed during the night. My coffee and rye toast spoke volumes; our species survived another day.
Ahhhh good times. A great way to end my vacation.
So the boys are on their way home, I am flipping between football games and horror movies. I just never learn.
Well, let's catch up soon; provided we survive the night(and) the dawn of the living dead; the primal, splintered predators and those people that lurk outside...
It's time to take the toddlers out... WHOSE turn is it?
Ohhhh no. Not mine.
I enjoyed my days up north; the otter, the eagles, beaver and even the coyotes in an eerie way. I had some snow and loved watching the ice begin to form across the water. It was great to have the fire going and write.( I have quite a few to get up but we'll wait for them. They need to marinate. :) ) It's so beautiful and peaceful here. Cheech and I passed in the night so to speak as they headed up to spend a Paul Bunyan weekend; just the guys.
That meant girls only back home. so we decorated the house for the holidays, shopped, ate lunch out and then? What would any sane mother daughter duo do? We watched horror movies and scared ourselves rotten. It began with a few zombies but by the time the sun gave up on us, we were knee deep in jungle monsters and mutants. The lights? Oh no they weren't on. Where's the fun in that? We were too scared to even go to the kitchen to eat dinner and denied it by making fun of each other with nervous laughter:
"Chicken."
"No! YOU'RE chicken!"
~more nervous laughter.
Nobody moved.
The dogs still had to go out though. so it became a game of "Your turn" Whoever lost that, was stuck outside with? Oh yeah, zombies, jungle monsters and mutants... I think I saw a crazed psychopathic killer near the barn. And to be completely unreasonable, we would turn the lights OUT on each other and stand there glaring at the lock....Do I? Should I? It would keep them out...
When we could no longer stand being in the family room, we turned on lights, made a panicked grab for some snacks and raced up the stairs. My daughter was slamming on lights ahead and I was cutting them out as we ran. No communication was needed by anyone; not even the toddlers. Nope. We all dashed up jumped in bed, hid the snacks and clicked the TV. We spent all night watching, snacking and scaring the holy snot out of each other. Sleep? It's for the weak. Besides, someone had to keep watch. heehee. We woke up this morning and went out to breakfast; just to make sure the world hadn't been destroyed during the night. My coffee and rye toast spoke volumes; our species survived another day.
Ahhhh good times. A great way to end my vacation.
So the boys are on their way home, I am flipping between football games and horror movies. I just never learn.
Well, let's catch up soon; provided we survive the night(and) the dawn of the living dead; the primal, splintered predators and those people that lurk outside...
It's time to take the toddlers out... WHOSE turn is it?
Ohhhh no. Not mine.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Ella Sits Quietly
If you asked me as a youngin, I would have lied and said no. I don't believe in ghosts. It's rubbish. The spirit is what remains, yes. But only as a memory; shared or kept. Memories are your ghosts; right inside your tiny little head. Some are good and others not. You are frightened by a few, aren't you? It's not so hard to understand. We even talk to them, don't we? We laugh at ourselves for the nonsensical mutterings, be it in our cars or alone doing laundry; anywhere we are visited by a memory.
I'll share a few memories with you. She was my life. She made breathing fun and exciting; like I couldn't wait for the next one. Ella.
When I met her, she was young and strong, her face and laughter lit up every room she entered. People wanted to be near her. She absently made you feel good; interesting and happy. She didn't know she was beautiful and would deny it if you told her so; which I did every day. I asked her out countless times; begged would be okay; grovel might even apply once or twice. She would shrug and say "We'll see." I would feel my heart soar at the possibility. I wanted to hold her, even if just for a while. At last she agreed and even then I didn't have her to myself, I had to share with friends. It wasn't bad and I'm not complaining. She sat with me and we had quiet moments. I found myself giggling and smiling until my teeth were dry; my cheeks hurt. When I left her off at her dorm, she took both my hands and looked right into my heart. She took it from me and locked it away in hers. I never felt so whole to be half of something so wonderful. I suddenly knew what the word forever was for.
When we married the word we heard most was; "Finally!" We didn't understand at first, but once explained to us, it was more endearing than imagined. We were a perfect fit. We enjoyed everything about each other. I thought I loved her then. The years ahead would prove me absolutely wrong. Loving Ella was simply consuming and the one thing I wanted to always do.
Making love to her was like that "first time exhilaration" every time. I almost always fumbled with buttons on her blouse, trembling at the thought of her perfect breasts. I loved the taste of her skin; so sweet on my lips and tongue; and soft under my hands. She would take them and guide me, show me how to make her feel good. Ella would close her eyes, whispering my name in the night and beg me make love to her. She would get lost in her passion and I relished watching every minute of her ecstasy. I loved how she bit her lip and smiled just before climaxing. I couldn't wait to feel the heat of her body and mine. When she kissed and touched me, I never felt more loved, more manly, or desired. I was all she wanted. Me.
Children came. Ella struggled with wanting to be a good mom which I found hilarious. She couldn't be anything but. There was an insight, an ability to communicate and never give up; even when that seemed like the only option. She fought to keep them kids until the time was right; though it was often unpopular with our all-knowing teens. I was proud of her because I worked so much and had to be away. She took that blessing of a burden and succeeded with flying colors oftentimes alone. Ella was amazing. I told her this countless times but she would offer a soft smile and wave it off "Perfectly flawed." she would say, rushing off to the next crisis, or doctor's appointment or rehearsal.
And during this not so simple life, she made mistakes. Don't get me wrong. We fought. Had some knock down drag outs. She could extrapolate a small problem in to a catastrophic event. She could turn a simple social misstep into a vengeful judgment of herself. She never forgot. It hindered her ability to forgive sometimes. And she beat herself up; her looks, her abilities, her very sense of self; allowing weaker people, who could only criticise, to influence her outlook... or is it in-look? This drove me insane. "They're only what they think of you" was her favorite line in a song but she couldn't follow that. It didn't matter. At the end of every day, I held her. I kissed her and told her I would love her tomorrow.
We were just celebrating the new beginning. Getting ready to marry our last child and expecting grand babies galore. We were giddy and proud. Proud we had succeeded together; survived. Ella looked tired but satisfied. We still took walks and held hands. She still wore me out in bed and she still loved nothing more than a good laugh. It cleansed her soul she always said. And every day I would tell her she was beautiful and I would love her tomorrow.
When did the light begin to fade? I don't know, honestly. Worse still, I don't know why I didn't see it. I know I missed her giggle more and more. I know that instead of the laugh lines she bragged about, she gazed sadly at the worry furrowing her brow. She moved less confidently but still never complained. No, Ella was too strong to complain or give worry to someone. I wish just once she'd have been brave enough to be weak with me. I never knew she was ill, though I suspect she did. The diagnosis came a s a shock to only this half of our whole. I was devastated. To put a timeline on the rest of our lives was crushing and unfair. We had made it through everything and were supposed to coast. It was why we never gave up or folded in. We held on, believing the reward would be worth the work and now, they had just handed my wife, my best friend and love, a time limit on the fun she had worked so hard for, waited for. I cried for days and couldn't stand to not have her in my sight. I reached for her as if she might just blow away in the wind. I was afraid of being without her.
I scolded God, hated Him in fact. And then when she introduced me to fragility and frailty, I scolded, hated even more. I slowed down to accommodate her less stable gait. She seemed to lose the desire to speak; laugh and for the first time, I realized she wasn't remembering. She didn't always reach for my hand and when she did, it was more for steadying not connection as it had always been. She looked through me sometimes. At last I heard the question I dreaded. "Have we met?" Her voice was now unsure and small.
"Yes, " I answered fighting back the tears. "I asked you out but you didn't answer me. Will you go out with me Ella?"
She shrugged and said "We'll see."
There were fewer smiles, less laughter. She died inside but her body refused to let go. I could not care for her anymore since she wandered and got lost or was frightened to be around things and people she didn't know; would never know again. I had to let strangers love my wife and watch from afar. My heart was crumbling.
But every day, I come. Every day I sit next to her and I relive our life. I share our memories; our ghosts, reminding her she is beautiful, that I will love her tomorrow and when I leave, I run as fast as my knobby old legs will carry me to our home a block away where I cry and beg for her to remember me once more. Smile for our life and our love. Laugh for our mistakes and our triumphs. But Ella sits quietly; a ghost.
This one got me good. I cried most of the way through it so forgive my typos. One of my greatest fears is forgetting; the love, laughter and special times both good and bad that have made me who I am. I guess we all need a good cry once in a while. This was mine; a release of sorts for so many things going on in my tiny little world. Thanks for putting up with me and my snivels today. Pass the tissues please. Thank you for coming here and sharing. It's aways a pleasure to have you here.
I'll share a few memories with you. She was my life. She made breathing fun and exciting; like I couldn't wait for the next one. Ella.
When I met her, she was young and strong, her face and laughter lit up every room she entered. People wanted to be near her. She absently made you feel good; interesting and happy. She didn't know she was beautiful and would deny it if you told her so; which I did every day. I asked her out countless times; begged would be okay; grovel might even apply once or twice. She would shrug and say "We'll see." I would feel my heart soar at the possibility. I wanted to hold her, even if just for a while. At last she agreed and even then I didn't have her to myself, I had to share with friends. It wasn't bad and I'm not complaining. She sat with me and we had quiet moments. I found myself giggling and smiling until my teeth were dry; my cheeks hurt. When I left her off at her dorm, she took both my hands and looked right into my heart. She took it from me and locked it away in hers. I never felt so whole to be half of something so wonderful. I suddenly knew what the word forever was for.
When we married the word we heard most was; "Finally!" We didn't understand at first, but once explained to us, it was more endearing than imagined. We were a perfect fit. We enjoyed everything about each other. I thought I loved her then. The years ahead would prove me absolutely wrong. Loving Ella was simply consuming and the one thing I wanted to always do.
Making love to her was like that "first time exhilaration" every time. I almost always fumbled with buttons on her blouse, trembling at the thought of her perfect breasts. I loved the taste of her skin; so sweet on my lips and tongue; and soft under my hands. She would take them and guide me, show me how to make her feel good. Ella would close her eyes, whispering my name in the night and beg me make love to her. She would get lost in her passion and I relished watching every minute of her ecstasy. I loved how she bit her lip and smiled just before climaxing. I couldn't wait to feel the heat of her body and mine. When she kissed and touched me, I never felt more loved, more manly, or desired. I was all she wanted. Me.
Children came. Ella struggled with wanting to be a good mom which I found hilarious. She couldn't be anything but. There was an insight, an ability to communicate and never give up; even when that seemed like the only option. She fought to keep them kids until the time was right; though it was often unpopular with our all-knowing teens. I was proud of her because I worked so much and had to be away. She took that blessing of a burden and succeeded with flying colors oftentimes alone. Ella was amazing. I told her this countless times but she would offer a soft smile and wave it off "Perfectly flawed." she would say, rushing off to the next crisis, or doctor's appointment or rehearsal.
And during this not so simple life, she made mistakes. Don't get me wrong. We fought. Had some knock down drag outs. She could extrapolate a small problem in to a catastrophic event. She could turn a simple social misstep into a vengeful judgment of herself. She never forgot. It hindered her ability to forgive sometimes. And she beat herself up; her looks, her abilities, her very sense of self; allowing weaker people, who could only criticise, to influence her outlook... or is it in-look? This drove me insane. "They're only what they think of you" was her favorite line in a song but she couldn't follow that. It didn't matter. At the end of every day, I held her. I kissed her and told her I would love her tomorrow.
We were just celebrating the new beginning. Getting ready to marry our last child and expecting grand babies galore. We were giddy and proud. Proud we had succeeded together; survived. Ella looked tired but satisfied. We still took walks and held hands. She still wore me out in bed and she still loved nothing more than a good laugh. It cleansed her soul she always said. And every day I would tell her she was beautiful and I would love her tomorrow.
When did the light begin to fade? I don't know, honestly. Worse still, I don't know why I didn't see it. I know I missed her giggle more and more. I know that instead of the laugh lines she bragged about, she gazed sadly at the worry furrowing her brow. She moved less confidently but still never complained. No, Ella was too strong to complain or give worry to someone. I wish just once she'd have been brave enough to be weak with me. I never knew she was ill, though I suspect she did. The diagnosis came a s a shock to only this half of our whole. I was devastated. To put a timeline on the rest of our lives was crushing and unfair. We had made it through everything and were supposed to coast. It was why we never gave up or folded in. We held on, believing the reward would be worth the work and now, they had just handed my wife, my best friend and love, a time limit on the fun she had worked so hard for, waited for. I cried for days and couldn't stand to not have her in my sight. I reached for her as if she might just blow away in the wind. I was afraid of being without her.
I scolded God, hated Him in fact. And then when she introduced me to fragility and frailty, I scolded, hated even more. I slowed down to accommodate her less stable gait. She seemed to lose the desire to speak; laugh and for the first time, I realized she wasn't remembering. She didn't always reach for my hand and when she did, it was more for steadying not connection as it had always been. She looked through me sometimes. At last I heard the question I dreaded. "Have we met?" Her voice was now unsure and small.
"Yes, " I answered fighting back the tears. "I asked you out but you didn't answer me. Will you go out with me Ella?"
She shrugged and said "We'll see."
There were fewer smiles, less laughter. She died inside but her body refused to let go. I could not care for her anymore since she wandered and got lost or was frightened to be around things and people she didn't know; would never know again. I had to let strangers love my wife and watch from afar. My heart was crumbling.
But every day, I come. Every day I sit next to her and I relive our life. I share our memories; our ghosts, reminding her she is beautiful, that I will love her tomorrow and when I leave, I run as fast as my knobby old legs will carry me to our home a block away where I cry and beg for her to remember me once more. Smile for our life and our love. Laugh for our mistakes and our triumphs. But Ella sits quietly; a ghost.
This one got me good. I cried most of the way through it so forgive my typos. One of my greatest fears is forgetting; the love, laughter and special times both good and bad that have made me who I am. I guess we all need a good cry once in a while. This was mine; a release of sorts for so many things going on in my tiny little world. Thanks for putting up with me and my snivels today. Pass the tissues please. Thank you for coming here and sharing. It's aways a pleasure to have you here.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
When Company Comes To Dinner
I do want to thank you all for coming to sit at my table. It has been too long. I hope you have the patience and state of mind to endure an old friend who wants to hear himself speak. The food I assure you will be distraction enough if you do not. So without further adieu;
I love you, Edmund as much as I can, I suppose. Well not in that faggy way. I am a man after all. Maybe it would be better to say that I hold much affection. I respect the silence while I rant on about my heart; my tortured, sad, heart; my lost loves and my disappointments. There have been many you know. Many.Two stick out in my mind and I am lucky enough to have them here tonight as guests; Suzette and Alice. I am comfortable reminiscing in front of you Edmund as most times you pretend not to hear me. It has made our friendship unique and strong.
When I think of you Suzette, I remember how your long hair cascaded down your back. With a simple turn of your head and a flash of that wry little smile, I would melt inside. We were equal, you and I but I confess that sometimes I let you win out. You women are so uncertain and insecure you know.
Did you know that Edmund? Ha of course you did. You once told me during a discussion that they were not delicate creatures or playthings but equals.
Well, you were my equal, Suzette. We sat and talked for hours about everything; God, the power of corruption and how corruption is a nautral progression once in power. Hmmm Make you wonder about God? How has he been corrupted? How pure is the soul? Who knows for sure or gets to decide that and by the way, if you believe a lie, is it then true? Oh, excuse me, I tear up sometimes when I think of all we had. Wonderful for my mind you were. And to look at you? To hear those brilliant, defiant words spill from your mouth was like vintage wine from a priceless cask. Ha. Just listen to me would you? Do you want some more soup? No? Ah very well then. Allow me just a little more time with my Suzette.
I thought we were forever. I wanted to spend the rest of my life getting to know each nook and cranny of your mind, body and spirit. And you always were spirited. Why, once I recall you hoisted a vase right at my head calling me a "Fucking Psycho". I don't remember what we were tiffing about ... seems small now. A minute detail. But since we are no longer together, that is all I have. I must cherish those small details. The soft shape of your hips and legs, the way your hands wove through mine. We fit.
So imagine my shock when on that Sunday morning instead of making love, you simply huffed that you didn't want to see me anymore. I dare say my heart shattered. I followed you down the hall of that shitty little apartment you rented with the fake wood paneling and the baby shit colored carpet. It had gotten rather heated by that point. Imagine! Losing your everything in a simple breath?
Edmund, can you? Everything. Forever.Happiness. Just skittering away like dried up dead leaves in the fall across an abandoned park where swings reach and cry out for children who are not there? Sad and lonely. I remember panicking and demanding an explanation... Oh yes, that was why you launched the vase. I was demanding answers. Remember Suzette? Your equal. But then since you were so quick to give up on us, I saw ... less. Less than me. Much less.
Do you agree Edmund? She was less? Oh don't give me that empty look. I do value your opinion. After all this time, how could I not?
Oh and my sweet Suzette! Let's not have a pout here. It was long ago, was it not? We sit here like adults, don't we? Eating a fine meal. I promise. I do my once-love, I will not hurt you anymore. Now just promise me the same.
Well, you know it took me quite a bit to get through that mess of a heartbreak but then there was Alice. My sweet Alice. Oh she did light my fire. Didn't you Love? A cheers to you. Don't look away and play shy. I still taste the sweetness of your mouth. I can feel the soft warmth of your hands on my skin. I smell the sweat we made as you cried out to me, clung to me. Oh the things you did say to me and drive me wild inside. I never knew such passion as with you , Alice. I had hoped the sexual fire would burn throughout your being and I looked but it was empty even deep inside. I mean, truths be told, you had an equally passionate temper and quite a flair for profanity and vulgarity but your mind? We couldn't come together. Alice, you were opinionated and weak at the same time. How do you do that?
We must research that Edmund. Edmund? Cake? Don't you want any? I bought it down at the corner. They are such nice people there, don't you agree? Myra works a little magic with that pastry bag of hers. I think she has a thing for me. I find it cute.
So it comes back to you Edmund. It always does. Oh Ladies. Don't be jealous. We have had our difference, our moments, but Edmund? He has been through it all with me. Right my dear friend? Why, you sat and listened while I told you of my horrible home life. You held my hand ~ not in that faggy way and coaxed me through indecision and heartbreak. You have talked me down from many a ledge. Once, you even had the courage to stand up to me; to tell me I am wrong at the risk of losing it all.
Well, you did lose your head Edmund. Ha! Oh I don't mean to joke so cruelly, but if you hadn't threatened to go to the police after I confessed killing Suzette, we still might be able to have a conversation. A real one, not one I conjure up to your stiffened outer shell. I don't know why it was Suzette that sent you over. Not my mother? Not the little girls in the woods or the common whores in the back alleys? I didn't realize she was yours. She played us both, you know. Me, her true love and you, her trophy mechanical husband? She couldn't leave you. Though now all is said and done and we can be civil. Right? But next time old man, wear a different suit to my table. This one you've been wearing seems a bit; smudged. Is that chocolate? No? It looks like it. Dark rich decadent chocolate.
Now, Alice, don't be so testy. After all, you made the soup; at least parts of you did. Oh, what a wit I am. You know, your passion and fight really made me consider keeping you a little longer. But then you just refused to shut it. Oh honestly Alice, you know ,you just kept screaming and crying and grabbing at me. It got so old. It made my eyes hurt and my brain itch. That's an uneasy feeling. I tired of you like a child with a new toy. You think it's the end all beat all, but really... it's just another toy. You outgrow it.You made it longer than most so be proud of that. Some never EVER made it to a dinner party.
Now, you all need to sit quietly here because I have company coming to dinner. I hope you all liked the meal. You were each an integral part of it. Please confess, isn't it fun that we can laugh together like this? Even after all we've been through? Now remember, quiet as church mice. The detectives will be here soon.
Suzette? Darling, please hand me that brown bottle. No the squatty one. Well don't put your nose in there then, Silly. Of course it stinks. It's my just in case. If they won't eat or drink with me, then I may have to do it all alone. No. I won't go in to the station. Suzette. Please, you're getting a little hysterical. You've put your heart and soul, I guess ~ we never really did come to a conclusion on that ~ in to this meal. It will be unbeatable. Unforgettable. Now let me straighten my tie. Oh! Here they are early. No no. Sit down. And please put on a splash of rose water. You are getting a bit ripe with all this nervousness. Let me dish things and get started. Be quiet Suzette. It's not time for your debut yet. Close your blouse, your ribs are sticking out.
Hello? Detectives? Why yes. Yes I am. Please come in, won't you? I am so glad I have an opportunity to help you. I was deeply saddened by the news that my friend and good doctor, Edmund is missing. But you say that two other people ... Who? Ohhhh Alice? She's gone? Well, that doesn't surprise me. She's always been a spitfire, that one. Edmund told me some of her wilder antics. Children can be a blessing and a curse can't they? But Suzette? Mmmm ... I find that a tough pill to swallow. Speaking of which, here let me take my little capsule here. Medicine for after dinner. Oh! Where are my manners? Why thank you, it does smell tasty, doesn't it? I had some dear friends help me throw it together. Care to join me? I have more than enough. I always make plenty because as my mother used to beat into my brain: You never know when company comes to dinner.
I love this one. Yes I do. This is one where I simply sat down and wrote it straight through; about two hours top to bottom. I had been researching and just came to a point where I stopped looking and put it together. I love it when that happens. I like the one-sided narcisism, the yearning for companionship and arrogance. I think it alludes to the dialogue, connection, and personality of all "characters" smoothly. I enjoy the sophistication of not knowing exactly what is going on ... allowing it to unfold into something grotesque yet friendly.
That is my definition of creepy.
So I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did.
I look forward to hearing from you and am glad we got to spend a little time together. Thanks for coming to see me.
I love you, Edmund as much as I can, I suppose. Well not in that faggy way. I am a man after all. Maybe it would be better to say that I hold much affection. I respect the silence while I rant on about my heart; my tortured, sad, heart; my lost loves and my disappointments. There have been many you know. Many.Two stick out in my mind and I am lucky enough to have them here tonight as guests; Suzette and Alice. I am comfortable reminiscing in front of you Edmund as most times you pretend not to hear me. It has made our friendship unique and strong.
When I think of you Suzette, I remember how your long hair cascaded down your back. With a simple turn of your head and a flash of that wry little smile, I would melt inside. We were equal, you and I but I confess that sometimes I let you win out. You women are so uncertain and insecure you know.
Did you know that Edmund? Ha of course you did. You once told me during a discussion that they were not delicate creatures or playthings but equals.
Well, you were my equal, Suzette. We sat and talked for hours about everything; God, the power of corruption and how corruption is a nautral progression once in power. Hmmm Make you wonder about God? How has he been corrupted? How pure is the soul? Who knows for sure or gets to decide that and by the way, if you believe a lie, is it then true? Oh, excuse me, I tear up sometimes when I think of all we had. Wonderful for my mind you were. And to look at you? To hear those brilliant, defiant words spill from your mouth was like vintage wine from a priceless cask. Ha. Just listen to me would you? Do you want some more soup? No? Ah very well then. Allow me just a little more time with my Suzette.
I thought we were forever. I wanted to spend the rest of my life getting to know each nook and cranny of your mind, body and spirit. And you always were spirited. Why, once I recall you hoisted a vase right at my head calling me a "Fucking Psycho". I don't remember what we were tiffing about ... seems small now. A minute detail. But since we are no longer together, that is all I have. I must cherish those small details. The soft shape of your hips and legs, the way your hands wove through mine. We fit.
So imagine my shock when on that Sunday morning instead of making love, you simply huffed that you didn't want to see me anymore. I dare say my heart shattered. I followed you down the hall of that shitty little apartment you rented with the fake wood paneling and the baby shit colored carpet. It had gotten rather heated by that point. Imagine! Losing your everything in a simple breath?
Edmund, can you? Everything. Forever.Happiness. Just skittering away like dried up dead leaves in the fall across an abandoned park where swings reach and cry out for children who are not there? Sad and lonely. I remember panicking and demanding an explanation... Oh yes, that was why you launched the vase. I was demanding answers. Remember Suzette? Your equal. But then since you were so quick to give up on us, I saw ... less. Less than me. Much less.
Do you agree Edmund? She was less? Oh don't give me that empty look. I do value your opinion. After all this time, how could I not?
Oh and my sweet Suzette! Let's not have a pout here. It was long ago, was it not? We sit here like adults, don't we? Eating a fine meal. I promise. I do my once-love, I will not hurt you anymore. Now just promise me the same.
Well, you know it took me quite a bit to get through that mess of a heartbreak but then there was Alice. My sweet Alice. Oh she did light my fire. Didn't you Love? A cheers to you. Don't look away and play shy. I still taste the sweetness of your mouth. I can feel the soft warmth of your hands on my skin. I smell the sweat we made as you cried out to me, clung to me. Oh the things you did say to me and drive me wild inside. I never knew such passion as with you , Alice. I had hoped the sexual fire would burn throughout your being and I looked but it was empty even deep inside. I mean, truths be told, you had an equally passionate temper and quite a flair for profanity and vulgarity but your mind? We couldn't come together. Alice, you were opinionated and weak at the same time. How do you do that?
We must research that Edmund. Edmund? Cake? Don't you want any? I bought it down at the corner. They are such nice people there, don't you agree? Myra works a little magic with that pastry bag of hers. I think she has a thing for me. I find it cute.
So it comes back to you Edmund. It always does. Oh Ladies. Don't be jealous. We have had our difference, our moments, but Edmund? He has been through it all with me. Right my dear friend? Why, you sat and listened while I told you of my horrible home life. You held my hand ~ not in that faggy way and coaxed me through indecision and heartbreak. You have talked me down from many a ledge. Once, you even had the courage to stand up to me; to tell me I am wrong at the risk of losing it all.
Well, you did lose your head Edmund. Ha! Oh I don't mean to joke so cruelly, but if you hadn't threatened to go to the police after I confessed killing Suzette, we still might be able to have a conversation. A real one, not one I conjure up to your stiffened outer shell. I don't know why it was Suzette that sent you over. Not my mother? Not the little girls in the woods or the common whores in the back alleys? I didn't realize she was yours. She played us both, you know. Me, her true love and you, her trophy mechanical husband? She couldn't leave you. Though now all is said and done and we can be civil. Right? But next time old man, wear a different suit to my table. This one you've been wearing seems a bit; smudged. Is that chocolate? No? It looks like it. Dark rich decadent chocolate.
Now, Alice, don't be so testy. After all, you made the soup; at least parts of you did. Oh, what a wit I am. You know, your passion and fight really made me consider keeping you a little longer. But then you just refused to shut it. Oh honestly Alice, you know ,you just kept screaming and crying and grabbing at me. It got so old. It made my eyes hurt and my brain itch. That's an uneasy feeling. I tired of you like a child with a new toy. You think it's the end all beat all, but really... it's just another toy. You outgrow it.You made it longer than most so be proud of that. Some never EVER made it to a dinner party.
Now, you all need to sit quietly here because I have company coming to dinner. I hope you all liked the meal. You were each an integral part of it. Please confess, isn't it fun that we can laugh together like this? Even after all we've been through? Now remember, quiet as church mice. The detectives will be here soon.
Suzette? Darling, please hand me that brown bottle. No the squatty one. Well don't put your nose in there then, Silly. Of course it stinks. It's my just in case. If they won't eat or drink with me, then I may have to do it all alone. No. I won't go in to the station. Suzette. Please, you're getting a little hysterical. You've put your heart and soul, I guess ~ we never really did come to a conclusion on that ~ in to this meal. It will be unbeatable. Unforgettable. Now let me straighten my tie. Oh! Here they are early. No no. Sit down. And please put on a splash of rose water. You are getting a bit ripe with all this nervousness. Let me dish things and get started. Be quiet Suzette. It's not time for your debut yet. Close your blouse, your ribs are sticking out.
Hello? Detectives? Why yes. Yes I am. Please come in, won't you? I am so glad I have an opportunity to help you. I was deeply saddened by the news that my friend and good doctor, Edmund is missing. But you say that two other people ... Who? Ohhhh Alice? She's gone? Well, that doesn't surprise me. She's always been a spitfire, that one. Edmund told me some of her wilder antics. Children can be a blessing and a curse can't they? But Suzette? Mmmm ... I find that a tough pill to swallow. Speaking of which, here let me take my little capsule here. Medicine for after dinner. Oh! Where are my manners? Why thank you, it does smell tasty, doesn't it? I had some dear friends help me throw it together. Care to join me? I have more than enough. I always make plenty because as my mother used to beat into my brain: You never know when company comes to dinner.
I love this one. Yes I do. This is one where I simply sat down and wrote it straight through; about two hours top to bottom. I had been researching and just came to a point where I stopped looking and put it together. I love it when that happens. I like the one-sided narcisism, the yearning for companionship and arrogance. I think it alludes to the dialogue, connection, and personality of all "characters" smoothly. I enjoy the sophistication of not knowing exactly what is going on ... allowing it to unfold into something grotesque yet friendly.
That is my definition of creepy.
So I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did.
I look forward to hearing from you and am glad we got to spend a little time together. Thanks for coming to see me.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
I thought I'd give you the update on the toddlers. Why? Well, because it's funny and laughing is one of my favorite things to do.
First, my piglet. Winston is my ugly baby. I love this dog. He makes me crazy but I love him. So I felt bad when the vet informed me that he needed a dental. I didn't fight her on it because his breath is the reason so many believe in zombies. Yikes. I think that he is the Zombie Apocalypse Messiah, secretly scouring our cities chomping on the undead ultimately to save us. Or maybe he just eats trash. Well it's an all day affair so I dropped him off in the morning and took the call in the afternoon that he had to have seven teeth pulled. Seven. Guilt sat firmly in my lap. A short time later, I got the call that my piglet was in recovery and I could come and get him. I zipped up and anxiously awaited the patient. He came out and I snorted right there in the office. He had Marty Feldman eyes and they were trying to see right through me. He had wobbly baby head and I think he could feel noises and smell colors. He sure looked like that was what he was trying to do. Once home, he insisted (jumped out of the car before I could help him) on walking on his own as if to say :
You sh'up. I can do-ish (remember: teeth extracted. He barks with a lisp and snores with a whistle now heehee) Nuffin wrong wif me. Or me. whoa. who is shaking the floor?"
and promptly crashed in to the motorcycle, fell off the steps to the garage, and trotted sideways: like his ass was racing his nose. Of course I didn't make him run to me three or four times laughing until tears ran down my leg because that would be mean. Mean Mommy! So it's been soft stuff and no toys or cookies for him. His sutures will dissolve and his will get his full yawn back soon, but for now, he just opens and closes his mouth like he forgot what he wanted to say.
And now let's briefly revisit a little statement I made; no cookies. Birdie is fine and is allowed to have cookies. I have a cookie jar with a favorite new treat in it: PBJ's ( they look like nutter butters wrapped in bacon ) Hmmmm... not a bad idea... but I digress. While doting on my piglet, I have somewhat neglected the Nubian Princess. She decided to treat herself; to treats. And a lot of them. I would have never known had she not decided to share that (and said treats) with me. I had just put the piglet to bed~he had to be confined for a day or two while recovering from his trip to Sky-High Ville and sat down in the library. I heard rustling and told her to quit --she's like a kid. You know it's bad so you don't even have to look really. You just scold. Well she popped up on the couch and in her mouth was a PBJ. She had that happy pant like "Just LOOK what I found!" So I took it from her and laughed. she sulked and went away but not two seconds later, 'BOINK" there she was with ANOTHER one. She was even HAPPIER about this one because I guess now we EACH had one and could snack together. Awwww so nice. So I took it away and got off my lazy arse to see.
Almost a pound.
She ate almost a pound of bacon wrapped nutter butters. I sighed, put them up and patted her head. Her ears went back and she winced: "OOOOO I"ma GEEEET it...." but I didn't. I just waited for Karma to come around.
It did.
She refused dinner. Winston ate mush and dribbled out the side of his lil mouth. She refused breakfast the next morning. I figured the "choo choo" was on it's way. It was; much like a speeding bullet train, barreling through her "over-treated" intestines. She almost opened the door herself to get out there and make pudding in the grass. She was so sick. I could just hear her:
"OHHHH MYYYYY GAWWWWWD! MAAAAKE IT STOOOOP!!! STOP POOPING!"
Guess who doesn't want bacon wrapped nutter butters anymore?
it's not Winston.
So that's been my last couple of days. I've posted a video of Wee-man fighting his meds. ~heehee mean mommy.
Love my toddlers.
This is it you know, no more. NO MORE....
First, my piglet. Winston is my ugly baby. I love this dog. He makes me crazy but I love him. So I felt bad when the vet informed me that he needed a dental. I didn't fight her on it because his breath is the reason so many believe in zombies. Yikes. I think that he is the Zombie Apocalypse Messiah, secretly scouring our cities chomping on the undead ultimately to save us. Or maybe he just eats trash. Well it's an all day affair so I dropped him off in the morning and took the call in the afternoon that he had to have seven teeth pulled. Seven. Guilt sat firmly in my lap. A short time later, I got the call that my piglet was in recovery and I could come and get him. I zipped up and anxiously awaited the patient. He came out and I snorted right there in the office. He had Marty Feldman eyes and they were trying to see right through me. He had wobbly baby head and I think he could feel noises and smell colors. He sure looked like that was what he was trying to do. Once home, he insisted (jumped out of the car before I could help him) on walking on his own as if to say :
You sh'up. I can do-ish (remember: teeth extracted. He barks with a lisp and snores with a whistle now heehee) Nuffin wrong wif me. Or me. whoa. who is shaking the floor?"
and promptly crashed in to the motorcycle, fell off the steps to the garage, and trotted sideways: like his ass was racing his nose. Of course I didn't make him run to me three or four times laughing until tears ran down my leg because that would be mean. Mean Mommy! So it's been soft stuff and no toys or cookies for him. His sutures will dissolve and his will get his full yawn back soon, but for now, he just opens and closes his mouth like he forgot what he wanted to say.
And now let's briefly revisit a little statement I made; no cookies. Birdie is fine and is allowed to have cookies. I have a cookie jar with a favorite new treat in it: PBJ's ( they look like nutter butters wrapped in bacon ) Hmmmm... not a bad idea... but I digress. While doting on my piglet, I have somewhat neglected the Nubian Princess. She decided to treat herself; to treats. And a lot of them. I would have never known had she not decided to share that (and said treats) with me. I had just put the piglet to bed~he had to be confined for a day or two while recovering from his trip to Sky-High Ville and sat down in the library. I heard rustling and told her to quit --she's like a kid. You know it's bad so you don't even have to look really. You just scold. Well she popped up on the couch and in her mouth was a PBJ. She had that happy pant like "Just LOOK what I found!" So I took it from her and laughed. she sulked and went away but not two seconds later, 'BOINK" there she was with ANOTHER one. She was even HAPPIER about this one because I guess now we EACH had one and could snack together. Awwww so nice. So I took it away and got off my lazy arse to see.
Almost a pound.
She ate almost a pound of bacon wrapped nutter butters. I sighed, put them up and patted her head. Her ears went back and she winced: "OOOOO I"ma GEEEET it...." but I didn't. I just waited for Karma to come around.
It did.
She refused dinner. Winston ate mush and dribbled out the side of his lil mouth. She refused breakfast the next morning. I figured the "choo choo" was on it's way. It was; much like a speeding bullet train, barreling through her "over-treated" intestines. She almost opened the door herself to get out there and make pudding in the grass. She was so sick. I could just hear her:
"OHHHH MYYYYY GAWWWWWD! MAAAAKE IT STOOOOP!!! STOP POOPING!"
Guess who doesn't want bacon wrapped nutter butters anymore?
it's not Winston.
So that's been my last couple of days. I've posted a video of Wee-man fighting his meds. ~heehee mean mommy.
Love my toddlers.
This is it you know, no more. NO MORE....
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Monday, November 5, 2012
Hiya
As you can tell, I'm late this week for posting. I am hoping to get away next week, up to Promises, all by my not-so-lonesome. That means that this week is full of rude, early hours but there is always a price to pay for having fun. Right?
I hope that you have all survived the awful devastation known as Sandy and her wicked younger sister: aftermath. We were extremely lucky in both PA and NJ with no property damage or power outages. Not all of my friends were so lucky. But we are all "safe and sound" and busy rebuilding, refueling or rescheduling. Thanks so much for your kind thoughts and prayers. They are appreciated.
So let's catch up Sunday or so? that gives me time to get up and get settled for a few days of a Stephen King environment: light snows, cold weather, isolation and the woods...
OOOOOO I can feel it ... the creepies. Come and hold my hand. Let's see what monsters I can make up. heehee
See you soon.
Tess
As you can tell, I'm late this week for posting. I am hoping to get away next week, up to Promises, all by my not-so-lonesome. That means that this week is full of rude, early hours but there is always a price to pay for having fun. Right?
I hope that you have all survived the awful devastation known as Sandy and her wicked younger sister: aftermath. We were extremely lucky in both PA and NJ with no property damage or power outages. Not all of my friends were so lucky. But we are all "safe and sound" and busy rebuilding, refueling or rescheduling. Thanks so much for your kind thoughts and prayers. They are appreciated.
So let's catch up Sunday or so? that gives me time to get up and get settled for a few days of a Stephen King environment: light snows, cold weather, isolation and the woods...
OOOOOO I can feel it ... the creepies. Come and hold my hand. Let's see what monsters I can make up. heehee
See you soon.
Tess
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