Need

I've gotten used to the eye rolling and the "Awwwww MOOOOOOM" and actually think of it as a "teenage hug" because GOD forbid I reach for my daughter... I am now the one with cooties. sigh. Some days that is hard. Why? Because I like who she is becoming; as a woman. I enjoy her laugh and sense of humor. I can't wait until she can finally become more my friend and I can leave the parent role a little more in the background.

But that is far away. FAR AWAY; as she recently served a couple of weeks under "house arrest" for a fib I caught her in. She failed to "hear" me when I told her over and over... "If I am asking, I already know." She apparently thought that I was trying to trip her up. Uhhhh  that would be a resounding no. And so she was been slave labor for a couple of weeks with most of her time spent with hard books containing pages that actually turn and the radio; (unplugged from her cyberlife in other words) and although she complained initially, she settled in and we came back to good terms.  My terms. And in the end that is good.
I hate times like those, when we are at odds. But at least I am blessed with fewer times than more. I hate hearing that she doesn't need me anymore; need me to do things for her, need to help with homework or her music lessons or ... anything. It makes me feel old. I makes me sad and disconnected from her. I hate that she chooses her friends over me. I'm jealous, just as I was when she went to daycare and made friends or middle school when she chose to stay after to hang with her peeps and join all sorts of clubs. Now with her cyberlife, I have lost her to a little black pad that sings, talks, laughs with her... all her friends right inside either oovuing or facebooking or "living" . I wonder sometimes where the time is going, I feel panic that she is "going going gone..." Wait for me Honey. I missed that. I missed doing your hair for Homecoming. I missed going dress shopping with you. I missed ... you. Where are you?

Often times I console myself running. I fix my mind and mend my heart as best I can. I come home and she might share some tidbit of her day and I snap it up as if I've not been emotionally fed in months. I eagerly nod and soak up her words and try to understand her. Yesterday I had my gear on and was heading down just to the machine, not sure if I wanted to brave the icy wind and cold.

"I'll walk with you if you're going." she offered nonchalantly.  I skidded to a stop on the carpet.
"HUH?"
"Walk. You goin? Wait for me." and she slipped up the stairs and into her gear before I had the time to confess I was just going to get on the effing elliptical.
She bounded down to me and smiled. "Ready?"
I simply followed her.
"Run or walk?" I asked beginning to pick up the pace.
She smiled. "Just walk."
"Oh. Yeah. Right."
There was silence and cold.  We tucked our heads down and slipped our hands in our pockets. I pined for my effing elliptical.

Then she sighed and looped through my arm. She began to talk. Really talk. She talked about her friends, what they were doing; both good and bad. She talked about the boys she liked and why. She shared her self. And all I could do in my amazement was ask "What do you think?" "What should you do?" "How does that make you feel?" and she answered me with a grown up, concise wise voice filled with insight. I blamed the tears on the wind and cold. I nodded and smiled so deep inside I trembled a little; with pride, with love, with admiration for all that she is and all she will be. Someday.

She chose the longest route I take; four miles.  She was all mine. We laughed and I returned her favor; talking about things I had done; both wise and foolish. She nodded and asked me why I'd made certain choices. I was honest with her telling her; oftentimes, I just didn't know. She smiled and pulled her arm tighter. The cold bit at me less.

When we got home, she checked her phone ( I hadn't realized she hadn't taken it with her.) and squeaked that one of her friends was on... as quick as that she dashed up the stairs and closed the door to her room. I heard her giggling and "Oh my Gawd-ing". I hesitated but went up the stairs and knocked, opened and smiled to see her "chair dancing" and laughing with one of her buds. I smiled and in the back ground did the "gun dance" until she saw me. she laughed even harder and showed her friend. We all started doing it.

I stood up, a little dizzy and very sheepish.  "Thank you." I said and blew her a kiss. "I really enjoyed that."

"Me too.  I love you Momma."

There was no cold to hide the tears that brimmed over as I said: "I love you too Sweet."

I was full and warm.

Who needs whom? What a beautiful rhetorical question.

Hug em because you can. Love em because it's hard. Treasure them because it's all too quick.