Just Relaxin

"Slow down." 

"Take time to stop and smell the roses."

"Enjoy life"

The words she heard at some point every day. Nina knew that there were wonderful things in life; she was lucky enough to have a few: a good husband, a reasonable job, a beautiful baby, a house and car that weren't in danger of being repoed, money in the bank and even money to "play" with. Yes, Nina understood luck and hard work and knew all to well how exhausting it was.

So there was only a little guilt when she called in sick to work; the job where she had sacrificed long hours, more than one weekend and even a holiday or two.  Yes, today Nina would play hooky, and smell the roses, enjoy life and slow down.

She lay in bed eyes wide and dry at 3AM, too excited to sleep.  She was actually going to call in sick when she wasn't.  She was going to tell her boss, the woman who had the spider eating frown, the voice of damp jagged rocks being jostled on chipped glass, and the hair the color of a villainous carrot with the style kindred to a Barbie Doll who's fallen asleep near a running fan that she would not be in today. She had practiced it in the mirror and even coerced her husband to play the malevolent recipient of the call. James would wrinkle his face as if he were straining to poop and toss in a shriek of 

"Just how COULD you do this to me today? Of aaaaaall days! "

But Nina held her own and eventually after much giggling, eye rolling, snort-laughter that was converted to weak coughing, she received James' thumbs up. 

"You are ready Young One."

But she couldn't call now. Too early. Six? Five? hmmm she would have to think.  Slowly she slipped from beneath the covers and padded down the hall to peek at the baby. Caroline was busy in "The Land of Nod" complete with tiny chin-bops, nose wriggling and startled arms as if she were in a happy stick-up. Winken, and Blinken would surely take care of her for just a little longer she thought to herself and continued down the hall to her favorite chair.  Piling down with a blanket and some paper, she began to make the list of things to do:

Get the car washed
run dishwasher
grocery for supper!! yummy surprise!
vacuum
clean bathrooms
finish laundry

She smiled to herself, not too much to do, a lot of time to do it and according to the weather app on her phone, the PERFECT day to do it. She chewed on the end of her pen and added something slowly...

N
A 
P
?

Nina chuckled and sat comfortably in the dark. She let the house sigh around her and was soothed by the sounds in it; the soft snoring of her baby, the gentle rustle of the blankets as James searched for her in his sleep. The plip plop of the sink as it dripped ...

she frowned and added to her list: Fix drip

and closed her eyes waiting for the day to catch up to her. She hoped it wouldn't be this slow ALL day long.
At five the baby stirred, ate but didn't want to go back down for her usual milk drunk 2 hour siesta. it was all right, Nina didn't have to get ready for work. She would call at 6:30 and deliver the bad news.  A little guilty grumbling in her belly had to be shushed as she and her daughter played blocks quietly.  James got up and started his coffee.  He watched them in the doorway and smiled. 

"Still going through with it you slacker?"

"Irresponsibly so." she chirped.

He kissed her head and sauntered down the hall to get ready for his meeting. 

The first sign that the wheels were coming off her wagon occurred when his first dress shirt boasted a stain just outside his tie line, the second cracked a button on his sleeve. Then the hem of his pants caught on his shoe and he resembled a little boy playing dress up.  It was not appreciated when she pointed this out since he was now late.  The baby who had begun her day so joyously picked up on the bad vibes and wandered down the hall to the guest bathroom where she decided that the pot pourri in the lovely glass turtle bowl on the back of the toilet should, well, take a swim.  In the lovely blue water.  THEN it was unanimously decided by Stuffy Bear, and Lambie Lamb that there was a change in the forecast and for the poor turtle bowl, a hurricane would ensue.  Oh yes the floods came and though Lambie Lamb and Stuffy bear were elated as was her daughter, Nina was not and discovered that the blue water stanined her ankles as she mopped and fished clear glass from the bowl as well as flower petals, seeds and other things Stuffy bear had shared with the plumbing including a few marbles, a keychain, and Thomas the Tank Engine. Nina got to clean the bathroom earlier than she anticipated. But tried to remain optimistic as she crossed it off her list.

James stumbled out the door with baby half dressed and sucking on a bagel. Nina watched cautiously over her coffee cup praying silently that the bad luck was getting dragged under the wheels of HIS car and not perching itself in hers.

She ventured to the grocery store after a quick pop of a dishwasher tablet and with the push of a button, it whirred to life eager to please her wish for eco wash and sani-dry.  She wanted to buy lobster for bisque for supper with a fresh lemon thyme rice some sauteed "scary grass" and a delicate lemon tart for dessert.  She had discovered a new wine that she thought they would like and after Bedtime for Baby... a little quiet adult time would be nice.  

And so it was the seafood counter that whispered for her to run and choose a restaurant instead, but she "pishawed" it and rang the bell for service.  A big bellied woman in dirty moose head slippers drove up on a scooter. Her shirt was stained from many mornings of dribbled Coca Cola. Nina deduced this by the "Big Gulp" glass tottering in the scooter's basket and her almost tic-like motion of shaking droplets of it from her hands and wiping her mouth with the back of her arm ~ dragging it along her thin pale lips.  The woman adorned herself with huge bobble earrings and a long eyeglass chain to which were no eyeglasses but duct taped a magnifying glass; made of plastic and horribly scratched but it showed off some of the letters fading from the black long shorts she had on.  The message to everyone was: Business in the front.  Nina shivered at the phrase that just HAD to be tramp stamped across the back. It was this time of reflection that the woman used to butt in front of Nina at the counter.

"I wan thum catfith" she barked.

Nina cleared her throat and stepped up, placing her hand on the counter.  The woman hobbled over and crunched Nina's toes with her cane.  She yelped and stepped back. The old troll chuffed like a sick dog and pulled her oxygen tube up over her forehead.

"AND THRIMP! I wan thrimp!"

Nina stood back allowing her toe to stop throbbing and rather enjoyed the view.  Sure enough the woman's shorts read "Party in the back" The younger, injured woman couldn't help noticing that if there WERE to be a party back there... A LOT of people could be entertained.

A satisfied cackle came from the hobbit as she shuffled back to the witch mobile.  She backed up, side swiped an end cap of rice cakes, turned and careened into Nina's cart.  Rather than backing up, the woman continued forward, grinding and forcing Nina's cart to shimmy. At last thinking she was free, the scooter was turned up to spree shopping speed but continued down the aisle with Nina's cart as captive.  Sighing heavily she tailed after the slurping delicate flower and rescued her few select produce from the Cheetos munching piglet with bobble earrings.

Nina became acutely aware of the gargoyle's whereabouts in the store and was free of her until checkout when the woman slid up behind her and began to slowly push forward, nudging the cart into Nina as she unloaded it.  If Nina looked up the old woman hacked or smiled the most yellow and tan teeth she'd ever seen.  There was so much plaque that the teeth in her mouth had become one tooth; shiny, and almost greasy with no lines of separation.  Nina finished unloading and pulled her cart around for the bags.  The woman charged forward and wracked Nina's blue ankles one too many times.  Pretending to need a pack of gum, she towered over the urchin in the seat and asked her sweetly to back it up so she could get some mints.  With a cute shrug of her shoulders she stepped back and back forcing the the scooter out of the cattle shoot.  Another woman with just a few items was standing there.  Nina reached down for the mints and plucked the connecting wire to the battery of the cart. She stood, smoothed her shirt and invited the third woman to "come on in"

The angry bull's mouth flew open and a little bit of coke dribbled out to make a new addition to the soda mosaic on her not so fresh shirt.  There was a hissing and Nina couldn't tell if it was from her oxygen hose or the fury bubbling inside her.  She glowered at Nina and with her sweaty nubby fingers gripped the handle of the grocery car. She was going to run Nina over at full speed.  but as she clicked the "gas"...

Nothing. the beast began to rock in the cart and snort like a tantruming child.  Nina turned, guided the third woman in and strolled out with her groceries.

Another thing crossed off the list

Amusing herself with the thought of "thwimp and catfith" limply going to waste as the angriest most bloated hobbit of the shire sat stranded and helpless in grocery scooter, she headed home a little behind schedule but still in control; until she got in the house and discovered the dishwasher had barfed all over the kitchen floor. Macaroni water and soggy cereal drifted lazily along the tile floor.

"Ohhh NO ~ REALLY?" she asked the ceiling. she knelt down and began to scoop  water from around the still hot element that also claimed the lives of several pieces of Tupperware leaving a pliable plastic goo in the bottom. After that was accomplished, she discovered a use for some of the more advanced yoga moves she had learned in class and disassembled the cover, removed the clogging, sinful piece of pasta standing in the way of her sparkling dishes, and reconstructed her appliance.  When finished she stood tall and assumed the hero pose, wishing for a cape and a slight breeze to help her celebrate.

Then she looked at the clock to discover she was truly late. With a nod to the time piece she jumped back in to action, determined to fulfill her hooky day prophecy of accomplishing much and taking a nap.  It was already passed 3pm so she had to get a move on. She only had two hours left.  A load of laundry went in the washer and she dashed up the stairs to fetch the vacuum. She zipped down the hall dancing behind the zippy sucker and ventured toward the steps and around the hallway.  She made it as far as the dining room before the hose popped free and sprayed her singing mouth full of carpet sprinkle and dust.  Nina blinked with disbelief and coughed up a tiny cloud of dust.  Then to her astonishment, the washer began to clank and rattle. 

"Nonononono!" she mutter and rushed to the back of the house where her trusty washer had begun to walk through the laundry room like a disengaged toddler seeking a playmate.  She flipped open the lid and began to pull soaked clothes dripping all over the floor and rebalanced the machine.. she fired it up again and went back to the exploding vacuum.  She managed to reassemble the hose and clean up the mess she'd made.  

It was 5:05pm. No dinner had been started. No car had been washed.  She had failed her supermom hooky duties.  The frustration bubbled to the surface as a small choke and then a few tears.  She sat down, twice as exhausted as a full day at the office.

James and the baby sauntered in calling after their favorite buddy.

There was no answer.

James called for her and searched the house, leaving her roses in the vase by her bed and smiled softly when he found her ~

Asleep in her daughter's playroom, curled up in a beanbag chair.

He went back to the kitchen and dialed their favorite pizza place,. Dinner could be delayed.  He stood over her list laying on the counter and crossed of one last item for the hardest working slacker he knew.

Nap.



A silly little piece ~ for a friend. The names have been changed to protect the magnificent and most scened depicted here are made up. They are strictly the opinions of the author and are intended for audiences looking to giggle and point. 

Please enjoy responsibly.

Have a lovely night folks. It's always nice to have some good company. I am glad you came.