Dignity with Lance

This isn't much, but it was a moment I had to share with you.  Have your giggles primed and your pointing fingers ready.  


It was absolutely GORGEOUS  here the other day.  I mean fantastic, windows open, sun warming you, feeling good kind of day.  I coudlnt' wait to get home and take advantage of it with a bike ride.  Tally HO!  I rushed inside to strip down and change quickly to my biking gear, slapping on my helmet and shades, hurrying to pump up the tires.  This was going to be nothing short of awesome.  I was so full of excitement and anticipation,  I was giddy; breathing hard just dreaming of how far I was going to ride.  Lance? Watch it Baby.  This lil momma is comin for ya.  Off I went, gliding, SAILING around the streets, hugging the bars and reveling in the sound of my own breath; happy to feel the burn in my legs as they worked for me.  I felt fantastic.  The first couple of miles were strong and powerful.  I enjoyed working hard enough to get warm in my clothes.  As I rounded one of my longer hills, the wind showed up uninvited.  I hate that.  But I wasn't about to let that blowhard ruin my ride, so I hunkered down and pushed harder.  Then another biker showed up.  My mind raced like my tires:


"HEEEYY ! Who invited YOU into my day? No way Buddy. This road is only big enought for one of us and I vote for ME!"  Now what I envisioned was an aggressive pass where I could drive a stick into his spokes, causing him to waver gracelessly, leaving the roadway in a fiery crash.  But I just kept going.  He was a leisurely rider anyway.  No helmet. No gloves.  Just out perusing the streets.  I cranked up my engine riding up on him.  He thought I wanted to chat. ~ No way Bub.  I'm out here to rip UP this street; not trickle along at molasses pace.  Beep! Beep! Zip! Dang! and I blew by him.  


Distraction gone, I could now focus on my legs which had decided they were really tired and would rather ride around like that other guy.  My lungs were beginning to echo the same sentiments.  


"Damn you ALL! Keep riding! We don't stop when we're TIRED you sissies! We stop when we're DONE!"  I scolded and kept pushing,  pedaling and  panting.  My nose apparently felt cheated and began to run along at an alarming rate. So I sniffed. I spat.  I was rugged and fierce; certain this was MY day to be queen of the road. 


 My legs began to tremble and that once happy burn became a scorching wildfire raging through every neuron of my being.  My lungs had audibly threatened to jump out and lay on the roadside awaiting my senses which should WALK back and get them.  My back started pinching me; warning me... 


 "Don't push me much farther Little Girl. You will LOSE."  


"Bah!" I said to them all.  " I am at the half-way point and I can make it home.  You all must all come along.  We are not DONE."  The wind laughed at me in breathy gusts.  The sun shook its head and ducked behind some clouds with a  "You'll be sorry." sigh.  Shadows got longer as did my stride.  I knew I was tired but I could see it.  I was almost home.  


"Just a couple more miles guys.  Come on! Don't quit now.  We can do this. We've come so far...Just push a little..." 


Harder. Faster.  Foolish.


 I wobbled around that last curve; grinding my exhausted muscles like dry rotted rubber bands. I coasted (shamefully yes I did) down the last hill too weak to even stand up in the saddle as I crested the drive.  My fingers hungrily reached for the brakes.  It was over. I was home.  All I had to do was get off, punch in the garage code and I was free.  My body could begin to repair and weep over what had been so cruelly done to it.  I squeezed and went to lift off from the pedals . Nothing. No response.  The bike stopped as instructed.  My legs remained perched even as we all began to list to the side like a drowning cruise liner.  I had reached out, managing somehow to get the code in.  Even the door responded properly by groaning to life and raising up to swallow my tired frames both mechanical and human.  But I was not able to get off in time.  The only thing I was able to do was spin the entire front tire, lean and slide down the garage wall while stuttering "Hey! Whoa...WHOA...." as I wiped out.  My feet NOW sprang to life crunching through the open frame and sticking straight up in the air.  My arms and chest became ensnared in handlebars and gear wires.  The frame of my trusty steed bit my thighs, my shins and as for the saddle? Well, it smashed me so hard , I saw a deep purple sky flecked with brilliant white stars; a pain otherwise indescribable.   The chain and pedals snapped at my ankles as the entire machine pinned me to the ground.


"Who's the sissy NOW? Are we DONE yet?" it seemed to snarl at me.


My entire body wailed "UNCLE! YES! NEVER AGAIN!" and pulled away.  I slowly stood, brushing gravel from places I shouldn't have even considered.  At last, I looked up.  The entire neighborhood had seen me ride into my garage door.


MOTHERFIRETRUCKER!!!!


I sniffed, waved, and with as much dignity as I could muster, hobbled inside; each step feeling like hot broken glass coursed through my veins.

Lance?


The title remains yours.