Goodbyes

I have been gone a lot this week. I'm sorry.  A friend of ours has lost her battle with cancer.  It was sudden; sort of. We were all a little surpised that it raged over her and stole her so quickly when it had been dilly-dallying for so long.

This woman was amazing.  I rarely heard her complain ~ even when things were tough; painful. When I grow up, I want to be that strong.  She never stopped laughing; enjoying what she could and when no matter who she was with.  I love that about her.

When we got the call that she wanted to see people she cared about; family; friends.  We felt that warm, heavy pit form in our bellies.  I didn't want to go and childishly cried about it.  I guess maybe in my mind, if I didn't say goodbye, she wouldn't go.  But we did visit.  She was heavily medicated to keep her comfy.  She has always hated that feeling. She was sleeping so we left a note ~not wantign to disturb her. As we turned to go, she stirred and looked at us.  I wasn't sure she knew who we were with her mind so foggy and gummed up, but she did.  She smiled. I asked her if she wanted to go dancing with us.  "I love you " Another tired smile.

"I feel so sick."

That was it. The tears came although I shouted in my head for them to stay away.  NEVER had she ONCE said ANYTHING like this... Stupid meds. Stupid cancer. Stupid death.  I banished it all to Hell.  LEAVE HER ALONE! Just leaver her alone. I asked God if she could stay; just a little while longer. He heard my prayer.  He gave us five more days.  She was hauled from hospital to hospital, she was tested as they tried to fix her.  She fought and fought.. more meds. More equipement.

I asked God to make it stop and confessed I had been selfish; wrong. I didn't want to say goodbye but I couldn't stand to see this vibrant woman chewed up anymore.  Our Father... does know best sometimes.

She passed.  She was with people who love and miss her with tears and wonderful stories of a life lived; fully, gracefully.  She was kind.  When she discovered more than ten years ago that my mom and dad lived in Florida, she hugged me and sweetly asked "Well, I don't have much family.  Want to be part of it?  The more the merrier."

I treasure that invitation to share part of her life; considering myself lucky and blessed.

I was out on a hike the morning she died.  Cheech waited until I got back to tell me.  For some reason, I took only one picture that morning.  It was close to her time.

Heaven looks a little brighter having taken in such a wonderful beautiful angel.

I miss you Joan. Peace is finally yours. Thank you for all you are; all you gave and how you loved.  We have all been made better people being touched by your light.