Grouchy Heat

I headed out this passed holiday weekend on a new trail.  It was great; a little challenging with the heat but, I loved it; in spite of my mishaps. I just thought we could giggle about them here.

It was hot as Hell's kitchen to begin with and since portions of this new trail were marshy, mosquitoes were attempting to flay me on the spot despite my layers of repellent.  I did my skin, each layer of clothing and then another layer of spray. As it happened, the only thing that seemed to save me was spraying it all over my head, face and arms about every ninety minutes.  I used the whole dom can and made myself the "cream" in an "OFF" Oreo.  Nothing like a little DEET breath to welcome fellow hikers.  On top of that, I had bug patches on either side of my hat.  Those tenacious little demons still shrieked and buzzed me all afternoon.  At least I think it was the bugs; maybe I was high on bug spray... ya THINK?  I kept it in "Nag" where I could easily reach it. This first task was accomplished. Task B.. putting it back was more difficult.  I spun a little and looked like a happy puppy chasing its tail.  I thought I had it in the right spot but it clanked to the ground, rolled around and sought shelter under a boulder.  I had to use my walking stick to fish it out. You understand not wanting to just reach in and canoodle for my bug spray, right? Thought so.  I retrieved it and had to climb up said boulder.  I leaned too far forward causing my water bag to slip up, and mash me a little too far forward face-first in to the trail.  In addition to this fabulous dance move, was the surprising fact that my trail mix bag... my food source for the afternoon was actually open.  My mix quickly became one with the trail.  I was devastated because it was AWESOME and yummy. Sigh. You are never hungry until you can't eat.  No use crying over spilled nuts...

On I went.

I go pretty far back in these trails, rarely coming across anyone.  It's fine by me. I am out there to regroup not re-GROUP.  As fine luck would have it, many people were out and about this fine blazing weekend.  The first couple had shorts on.  (Really? Do you KNOW what a tick is? And that when they find you, they tell all their little buddies to climb all over you and attach themselves...Far be it for me to judge.) and little cute tennis shoes with no socks. Awwww Can you say unprepared? They were drenched in sweat and looked almost happy to see me: a rumpled woman with a backpack who looks like she sleeps under the interstate ramps at night and licks tin cans clean. ;) 

"Can you tell us where we are?"

"Sure. Show me your map. I'd be glad to."

"We don't have one."

I tried to keep that " I just ate a spoonful of alum"-shaped "OHHHH" face hidden away. I turned to one side and asked if they wanted bug spray showing them my almost empty can.

"We did that before we left."

Another attempt at hidden alum pucker.  "Water?" 

They both sighed.  I gave them one of my extra bottles and they sucked it down in record time.  I pulled out my map and showed them where were were and where they were headed, being honest about the terrain: a little marshy; lots of bugs, watch for ticks.  There were several creek beds that were very rocky so be careful of their ankles.  I also showed them a couple of short cut that could be utilized to get them home faster... should they want to...

 I gave them my map and we parted ways.

A couple of miles later, I heard ... swearing... eff bombs and every dirty word you could imagine.  I naturally thought it was my "pals" from earlier in the day trying to get home.  Heat can make anyone grouchy. I had visions of them almost reduced to bones clutching my trusty map upside down, surrounded by clouds of snarling skeeters and biting flies pelting and gnawing at them.  I rounded the trail.  It was not. 

 It was a young "lady" in bug glasses (the kind too big for your face.. ANYONE's face for that matter), short-shorts (again... TICKS? HELLOOOOO) a halter and? Oh yes tie-up "come-get-me" sandals. What in the name of Holy Hannah was she THINKING? That the bear would take pause to decide whether to eat or date her? Her beau was lugging a small backpack and was pouring over a map that Princess was swatting while swearing and chomping on her gum. I imagine that was very helpful for the boyfriend to get oriented. Multitasking at its finest.

"Can I help ya, get somewhere?" I asked nicely.  I was hot and tired and looked a little worse I am certain than I did before my debut to the first couple.

She paused to confer with her gum and said "No. We're fine." The response was wet and slappy wafting faintly of Peppermint.

 "Chew with your trap shut Darlin. You look a little smarter." I thought pleasantly.  Yes, heat can make anyone grouchy.

Her friend smiled weakly and studied the map.  She swatted it and called him something that rhymes with "stick-feed"

I had given away my map so I needed to see the trail marker and go the right direction (which I immediately concluded was the opposite route they chose to go).  The Princess Broad folded her arms, cocked her hips, conferred with her gum worse than Marissa Tomei in "My Cousin Vinny" and snapped through a bubble "I SAID we're fine!"

I wiped my forehead and reached up near her.  She stepped back and almost put up her dukes.  

"I need to see the marker" ... "YOU STUPID IDGIT"... was what I wanted to add, OR " Why don't you consult your gum a little louder and see if IT remembers what poison ivy looks like because YOU, my dear, must not since you and your cute little shoes are knee deep in it.."  buuuut I didn't.  I just smiled and walked on. I even hummed a little.  I hope she broke lots and lots of vines on those plants. That juice will stay put and can get you WEEKS after you've been out in it... heeheehee... chew on THAT!!!

Princess Broad swatted her hero's map again and called him a firetrucking jerk. What a nice afternoon that poor guy had.  I wonder how many ticks she collected. Ya think he got em for her? Hell, if I'd have been him, I'd have gone out and GOTTEN some to PUT on her... while she slept of course...

Heat can make anyone grouchy.

I was a little more than nervous not to have my map; only my written trail intersections and my compass.  But  you know what? This lil girl made it; with half an hour to spare.  

 I am over half way to my goal and am really proud of myself.  

I WILL get there... on my own two feet.