The Calling

The dream was always the same,  waking her with sweat and nausea; a trembling body and racing heart as if being chased.  The backdrop of her nightmare was unfamiliar yet detailed; a large house with seemingly endless hallways.  In the dream, she was bathed in delicate purple and daylight with no fear or sense of urgency.  Yet as the dream progressed her surroundings changed dripping in ominous shadows, heavy with fear.


It had been weeks of sleeplessness and the devastating realization of her second miscarriage that pushed her to the brink. In the velvety night she roamed stoically through rooms stopping at windows to glare at the stars and make yet another wish with her hand clutching an empty but sore tummy. Wistfully, she rubbed it in circles and closed her eyes against the agony that was closing in around her.  Denise softly cried, asking why she couldn't be a mother? The insurance had been clear that this was the last attempt they would cover.  The word adoption smiled gently in the back of her heart; whispering it could be all right and that it would fill the panicky, empty hole.  It reassured her that she would be no less a woman to not have her own flesh and blood. Families were made lots of ways. Shaking with fatigue and despair, she called in her vacation, packing her favorite clothes and some good books; not much else except for her laptop where this diary was kept:

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 15, 1998


AFTERNOON
Long drive.  The weather is cooling off quickly. Met the keeper, Carol (nice older lady. I hope we have stuff to talk about) and she showed me to my room.  It's lovely;  cute little purple flowers, very dainty on the ground floor.  A small narrow path leads down the length of the patio to a creek and down to the lake. There is a sense of serenity here. I guess it's just us this weekend. Dinner is lobster bisque with a shrimp risotto. Nice. We aren't eating until late and I have several hours yet to discover my surroundings.


I find the property romantic and peaceful.  The woods are lush and heavy with the sweetness of  fall.  There has been a lot of rain as the creek is swollen, belching over the banks and glubbing down to a deep dark soothing lake.  I went down and became mesmerized by the soft clapping of the waves along the dock while birds of all sorts strode passed me, indifferent to my appearance in their scenery.  The sun felt good on my face and the tears I cried today were those less of pity  more of hope. I could survive this. I could still be a mother. I hear Carol ringing the bell.  Off I go. Be back later.

BEFORE BED


Dinner was wonderful; warm and savory bisque with fabulous risotto; a hint of mint? I don't know but the company equaled its excellence.  We discovered we both went to the same university, she with a business degree as opposed to my poli-sci/communications. We laughed about our profs and poured too much wine.  It's easy since it is just the two of us.  I wonder if this is a second love for her?  To run her own b/b? Interesting ... I did my best not to cry telling her I was too stressed and needed to simply get away from the world.  She was comforting; generous with her kind words and wonderful wine. Oi!My head!!!


Denise slipped out of her clothes and snuck up on her fluffy comfortable bed where broken hearted sobs were magnified by too many glasses of grapes.  Sleep crawled in next to her snuggling up dark and thick until the tapping began.


Her mind hazily scolded her for her fears and that it was a rodent.  After all, they were in the woods. But the unwanted visitor kept scritching; hurriedly and then in the dark, she heard a whisper; frail and small, like a kitten's mewl.  The chills snaked across her body leaving her clammy and slick.  Pretending not to hear, she pulled the blankets up, stuck her fingers in her ears and prayed for safe passage in to the morning.


FRIDAY, OCTOBER 16


I woke with burning eyes, a head ache and the rumblings of an upset stomach.  I promised myself I would never drink again if I could just survive a shower.  Somehow I did (God chooses the silliest prayers to answer)  and crawled back to bed where I clung to the sheets hoping I could stay on Earth while my bed spun at an alarming rate, an extra foot on the floor allowed me to slip back to sleep for the rest of the day.  It wasn't a great sleep though.  It wasn't even drunk sleep.  I dreamt of a baby's birthday party.  Lovely bright colors filled a beautifully decorated room where a music box tinkled softly.  There were streamers and balloons all dipping and bubbling around a spectacular white cake.  The candles burned and burned.  The wax dripped and puddled on the gleaming once happy decadence, making it appear warped and poisoned somehow.  No one came and the music sounded more sour and lonesome.  I sat in front of the cake and began to cry.  Then Carol knocked.  Startled and confused, I nearly fell out of my bed trying to understand what was happening.  She asked if I was all right.  I had to confess I had overindulged. She reminded me supper was soon and to my surprise the soft lavenders and hot pinks slashing at the sky confirmed evening was upon me.  I quickly dressed and joined her for a wonderful chicken corn chowder with freshly roasted peppers and a Caprese salad to die for (my fave).  She brought some crusty fresh bread and a bottle of wine.  I had to shut my eyes as my stomach lurched in protest.


 She asked if I was pregnant.  I tried to laugh it off but she knew right away my heart was hurting.  I should have said no to the wine.  Then maybe I wouldn't have told her the story; my baby-less story.  Carol sat and listened; saying little.  I was suddenly exhausted and abruptly excused myself.  I flopped on my bed and felt the pain in my chest;  the lump of jealousy for anyone who was a mother; the anger and self pity of my own misfortune.  I cried myself to sleep.


 I have no idea when it began.  The tapping seemed more panicky.  Curious, I rolled, frightened  to see a small girl in jammies.  Her eyes were large and black; hollow. Her fingers were dirty as if she'd been playing in mud all day.  She whispered to me but the noise seemed to rush by before I could hear her.  Then she glanced down the little alley and her face took on horrible fright.  I got up and stood at the door.  Her hands tapped eagerly.  "Mommy. Let me in. HURRY" she begged.  I touched the glass where her fingertips bopped lightly.  She scurried away just as I was turning the knob.  Then a shadow lurched in front of me; too thick to be the night and hustled after the child.  My knees trembled and my heart thumped under my shirt.  With all my strength, I opened the door and stepped out.  I called to her to come back. Nothing.


I must have been dreaming I guess.  Damn wine.  Never again.


SATURDAY, OCTOBER 17


Breakfast was quiet simply because of my fatigue and confusion.  I trekked to the library to look for answers but was disappointed.  I must have looked very forlorn as I came in.  Carol gave me a few minutes to freshen up and then laid before me a fantastic meal of roasted pork with Au gratin potatoes and a wonderful spinach salad.  And wine (sigh) which I refused at first but then I noticed her kicking them back pretty steadily so I had a couple of drinks.  I asked her how'd she'd come to stay.  Mistake.


Carol told me that her little girl was killed here.  The words fell out and shattered on the floor.  She confessed she couldn't leave her.  Apparently they had visited (this place) as a family several times.  Her daughter knew the area well.  It was windy that afternoon and the wind tossed the boats in the marina like toys.  She was playing in the creek as Carol watched but she was called away.  When she came back, Mina was gone.  There was no trace, no body, no tracks. Ever. (this was almost fifteen years ago! Imagine!)  They had questioned a handy man in the area as well as hunters and the neighbors.  They surmised that the girl had wandered into the wood (Lions and tigers and bears...oh my??) OR had been playing at the dock and slipped in to drown.  (still...no body??)


I had no choice.  I told her what I was experiencing.  Carol told me that it was Mina's favorite room and asked if she could stay there with me.  We silently agreed.  We quickly cleaned up and headed for our slumber party (with wine!! Augh will I ever LEARN??) We giggled like school girls until sleep came.  Then the tapping.  I heard it but waited for Carol.  I opened my eyes to see the same little girl as before.  She tapped again more determined this time.  My hostess got up and knelt at the door, cupping her quivering mouth.  The child rattled the door.


"Mommy.  Let me in. Hurry."


Carol stood, did as her daughter asked and stepped on to the porch.  The girl turned and screamed as my friend covered her with her body.  The blackness swallowed them.  Both were screaming now and there were flashes of light stabbing at my unaccustomed eyes.  There was a sweet burning smell that caused me to gag and as I looked away, I heard a tearing sound.  As soon as I could I refocused on the turmoil outside my door and saw the cloud break away in splintered sharp pieces.  Mother and daughter stood together holding hands.  Slowly they headed along the porch toward the creek.  Carol turned and smiled at me.  She was transparent and wispy but there was a joyful light glowing from them both.  I sat on my bed, turning to pull up the blankets to realize Carol's body lay next to me. Screaming isn't the word for the noise I made.


I was hysterical and of little help to the police chief ( Thomas?) as he came to begin the investigation. What a mess.  I had almost nothing for him.  But he asked me who ran the place and all I could do was tell the truth.


"I guess I do now."

OCTOBER 18, 2011


I celebrated my wedding anniversary today.  The other officers took Thomas' shift at the station. (so sweet those guys!!)  My daughter Mina Carol (we call her MC) brought us a beautiful cake into my wonderful study where my purple little flowers still daintily remain.  It was white with lots of candles glowing happily.  As the night and the celebration quietly continued, I treasured the word "Mommy".  Thomas and I shared our favorite wine (I never DID learn) and waited. Sure enough we saw them walk down the porch, hand in hand. Giggling.  


So now I guess you know where I've been.  I really like this one.  I've worked hard on it and am pleased, considering it's a new style for me.  Need to try new things, right? 


 Well I hate to say it but I probably won't be back until after my race.  I was hoping to enjoy "preparing" a little more.  My week has been less than stellar.   Regardless, I thank you for coming over to hang out and hope you enjoyed yourself.  Wish me luck.  I'll see you soon.


Love,
Tess