A quick dash down the Turnpike to enjoy some family for the weekend and zip home unscathed.  Easier said than done; but it only proves how full of "giggle and point moments" life can be.


Since it was a weekend away, we had to ditch the "toddlers" at puppy camp.  We don't tell them in advance because for Winston it means nervous hair loss and extra spiteful piddling and Birdie tries to eat her toes.  But to my dismay, they saw the suitcases even though I hid them in the guest room.  So they figured if they never left my side, they would never have to leave.With my funky entourage of misfits, I simply went to work. They were shocked but loving it.  There were so many new places to sniff and whiz.  And everyone in the office thought they were the cutest clowns EVER.  I did laugh when my little piglet jumped right into my partner's chair (my partner being a connoisseur of canine disdain) and promptly shook himself, leaving a hefty pile of nervous shedding on his seat. Remember Witch Hazel from the cartoons...with the little hairpins? That was what it was like.  Birdie just crawled under my desk and had a "tootsie roll" of a different sort, hoping to simply blend in with the rug.  The time came and they were carted off.  But to be fair, they are spoiled where I take them; loved and played with until exhausted, fed gourmet food and doted on. Camp? More like spa.


So we picked up the kids, tossed snacks to them as if we were feeding hyenas and rolled our eyes as the "Don't touch me"s and "Why did you have to eat them all"s floated up from the back.  We drove and listened to our favorite Podcasts attempting to tune them out. Kids are great when travelling.


Dinner came and we decided to really stop and eat; not just pick and run.  It was all right.  The woman behind me felt I needed to stay until the end of HER meal because as she sat down, she blocked me in, squished my purse and stabbed me in the back with her walker.  She was a rather large... hmmm..."lover of life"? noooo wait it will come to me... "mean old bitch?" Ahhhhh there we go.  With every complaint she spluttered to the waitress, hostess or anyone representing the establishment, through  her thickly buttered lips, she scooched back; into me until I was mashed up against the table and almost unable to swallow.  I had tried to be subtle and clear my throat.  I even turned to her once attempting to pull my seat to the side with an "Oh I'm sorry...in your way?" but she would just glower and hunker down over her gravied biscuits shovelling in another mouthful with here chubby little digits as if I were going to wrestle her for them.  At last,  the check was settled and everyone else got up.  I was stuck, remember?  I pushed the table just forward enough, settled my hands and thanked myself for increasing my weight training.  I moved her, decisively, pushing slowly but steadily back.  She turned with a disgusted gasp and a malicious look of "How DARE you."  She took a bite of some marbled meat and pointed her fork at me.  I smiled tightly and tugged at my purse adding too sweetly.  "We're leaving now so maybe you can enjoy OUR table too." And I placed our left over dinner rolls in front of her.  Bon appetite...Beeyatch.  


We headed for the car and back to the turnpike noticing an exceptional amount of slow traffic for this particular time of night.  Seeing the little blinking light telling us to tune in to 1640 I did to have that little computerized fembot inform me the pike was closed.  As if that wasn't sad enough, she began to rattle off directions at an alarming rate and when finished began to lecture me about keeping my thumbs on the wheel and not to text while driving.  I can do that.  And you know what else I can do, you unemotional, cyber witch? I can keep my thumbs on the wheel and flip you the bird for going too fast with the directions for a -recommendeddetour- How many times did you read that? twice? right. My point exactly.  Since this borg has no lungs (or "Bird fingers" so she can't even retaliate...it's a little victory but I like it all the same) she has no natural phonetic pauses accompanied by false or mistaken inflection. For example: Altoona, Pa becomes : alTOOnapah.  Now you try to drive with those kinds of helpful hints and you will become: ratherpisSTOFF attheramp onright.


Recalculating....


What takes normally five and a half hours took double and we passed through towns that... well, if we'd have needed gas, we might not have been heard from again. But we kept our thumbkins on the wheel. "Tall man" however was flyin high.  ( remember that song...where is thumbkin....) and at last we arrived.  We were all a little punchy and I am thankful for my kids' humor.  At one point Cheech and I watched as Boo needed to stand out on the porch of our room and "get some air. "  It was completely understandable.  We'd been cooped up for a long time and what began as an SUV ended up feeling like a  short Chevette.  We were all kind of spreading out and my daughter got up, walked to the door and flipped the latch.  


"Heyyyyyy! Why'd you lock me out?" 
"Burglars are in the area. I'm hoping they'll take you."


Long pause...at this point we can just see the shadows of his feet at the door as he paces trying to figure out what do do...


*knock knock* "Houuuuusekeeping..."
 
I almost fell off the bed.



Soooo Cheech and I felt completely confident leaving them alone for a couple of hours together. yeaaaaah. Our party was beautiful and fun. We were even graced by the presence of Lady Gaga, girlfriend of the DJ, fast forward thirty-five years and four pounds of spackled, gothic make-up.  In her razor ripped pilazzo pahnts (you know, the ones that are all flowy and look like a skirt?) sliced up to the thigh accompanied by leather studded bracelets and a serpentine necklace, all I can say is she really didn't need to worry about "Paparazzi" and we all acknowledged she was "On the edge"  Oh yeah, that's ALL you Baby.  I almost spit my drink when she picked up a cowbell and began to clank it; thinking only of Christopher Walken on Saturday Night Live...."Need more cowbell...." Ahhhh good times. How can you not dance to cowbell? 


Thanks for coming along for the ride. I hope you smiled a little.


As so many of you know, I'm heading out soon for my annual solo trip. One week alone at my lake.  I am so excited and happy I can almost not worry about the awful week ahead trying to prepare; almost.  I wouldn't count on me before the weekend... but as soon as I can, I promise I'll be here.  


Wait for me?
See you soon.
Love, 
Tess